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Archive of Articles from The Stinky News that are about the Twine Ball Festival
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Garlic Festival Director Makes Pilgrimage to Twine Ball
Earlier this month, in the interest of detente, Garlic Festival Director, Jerry Ford, embarked on a goodwill mission to Darwin, MN, to pay homage to the Twine Ball and engage in meetings with the Twine Ball Festival Staff. But when he arrived, none of the Twine Ball delegation showed up and the museum was closed. To top it all off, the Twine Ball Shrine was locked, and Director Ford was unable to complete his quest to perform the traditional “kissing of the ball”.
Ford flagged down a Darwinite who was brachiating in some nearby trees, and asked, “So, like, where are the Twine Ball delegation dudes, dude?”, to which the local replied, “Who?”
“How am I supposed to, you know, like kiss the ball thing?”
“Most pilgrims just stand there and genuflect left handed when it’s locked, which is always, unless you’re Weird Al Yankovic.”
“But I’m not.”
“Like, you know, the weird guy.”
“Of course not.”
WHY THE TWINE BALL FESTIVAL IS BETTER THAN GARLIC FEST
Our little sister event**, The Twine Ball Festival (TBF), is on the same day as Minnesota Garlic Festival (MGF), and we want everyone to know just how highly we think of their little shindig: here is the Top 10 List of the ways that TBF is better than MGF.
10) TBF has a listing on TripAdvisor.com; MGF does not.
9) According to TripAdvisor. com, the Twine Ball Museum is the #1 attraction in Darwin, MN. (They only list one attraction in Darwin.); however, MGF is not the only attraction in Hutchinson.
8) TripAdvisor.com gave TBF four out of five “owl eyes” on their rating scale, with one review reporting “It’s a hoot, but once is enough”, and another breathlessly recounts that not only can you see the twine ball (you can’t touch it) you can also sign the guest book! Another touted the “barren landscapes and wind-swept roads” of the surrounding area. MGF has no such reviews.
7) TBF is in a town named Darwin, which is redolent of science, intellect and lower primates; while MGF is in a town named Hutchinson, which just sounds kind of normal.
6) The Twine Ball has a Wikipedia listing, MGF does not.
5) MGF has to resort to a tacky website to try to convince people to come; TBF doesn’t need one.
4) MGF only offers MN Wines and craft beers; Darwin (a town of 350) has two bars, both of which have at least four types of light beer.
C) TBF has one really big ball; while MGF has little balls (bocce).
3) TBF has supporters that will say such grandiose things as, “We don’t have much of a town left, but the twine ball really draws ’em in”; whereas MGF just has a director that says things like, “It’s the most fun you can have and go home smelling really different”.
2) TBF has a tractor pull with riding lawnmowers; MGF is jealous because we wish we’d thought of that instead of bowling with vegetables.
And the Number One reason that The Twine Ball Festival is better than MN Garlic Festival . . .
1) MGF has a 6-foot fake garlic bulb named Gertie; but TBF has a twine ball made of real twine.
** It’s quite likely that they don’t know they are our sister event, probably because we keep forgetting to tell them.
THE BIGGEST THING EVER
Astronomers recently discovered the largest thing in the universe that isn’t actually the universe, and in a fit of understatement called it the Large Quasar Group. That’s like calling congress “a bit of a mess.” Unable to contain themselves, the astronomers ran across the hall to the astrophysicists, crying, “Ooo! Ooo! Look what we found!” The astrophysicists – commonly referred to in the pro science world as Assfizzies – were totally jealous that they hadn’t seen it first, and more than a little peeved, because they had written up this whole set of rules that says just how big the biggest thing could actually be within the confines of this universe and a couple of other ones; but the Large Quasar Group (LQG) tipped the proverbial bathroom scales by a few million light years.
The LQG, which can be seen with the naked eye if you’re on Betelgeuse by looking roughly in the direction of the sky, is actually four billion light years across. A billion is a number with only slightly fewer zeros than a mid-season Twins box score. And it’s only 9 billion light years away, so if it wanted to, it could take two steps and a skip and kick our butt.
For comparison, if the Earth was a garlic bulb (the ancient Allicians thought it was, and also believed that time would end in 2014 in a cataclysmic apocalypse called “The Press” . . . you know, “cataclysmic
apocalypse” is a bit redundant, isn’t it? I mean, who ever heard of a piddling apocalypse?), so if, figuratively speaking, the Earth was the size of a garlic bulb, our solar system would be the size of the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. This is known as String Theory. By comparison, the LQG would be the size of almost everything else.
So, according to current science, the LQG is too big to exist, so most Assfizzies have chosen to ignore it and hope it goes away.
The Twine Ball Festival Problem
Garlic Festival is always the 2nd Saturday in August, and so is the Twine Ball Festival in Darwin**, MN, which has been an ongoing problem for The Stinky News Administration Program (SNAP), the division of The Stinky News (TSN) that is responsible for employee morale and fitness – you may have seen our outreach offices in rundown strip malls.
The problem is this: since Twine Balling – which is what insiders call going to that festival – is obviously so much more fun than Garlic Bulbing – which is not what insiders call going to this festival, but they should – we’ve had defections; every year a few of our staff sneak off to go T-Balling – which is what real insiders call it – and we find ourselves shorthanded for our Stinky News attractions at garlic festival.***
To counteract this flight to Twine Ball Days, SNAP developed a plan whereby TSN employees could participate in both events, and it worked so well that we are now announcing it to Garlic Festival Patrons (that’s you). The “Send the Ball a Ball Contest” gives you the opportunity to send a twine ball to Twine Ball Days, while YOU attend the Garlic Festival.
Download the form here:
Then make up your own twine ball design and send it off to Twine Ball Days, PO Box 1, Darwin, MN 55324.
There will probably be some fabulous prizes.
** People often ask us how the town of Darwin got its name. Our official response until this year was, “Who cares?”; but since obviously so many Stinky News readers do, we did some research. It turns out that, indeed, it is connected to Charles Darwin. Mr. Darwin is famous for his phylogeny theories on “survival of the fittest” and “natural selection”, and in his research he cited numerous examples of how particular individuals developed skills or mutations that better fitted them to adapt and survive. Less known, however, are his experiments on the members of a species that DON’T develop these advantages, one of which involved giving primates pieces of string to see what useful things they would make of them. There were some remarkable results: string tools, traps, communications devices, undergarments – the list goes on – and yet there was also a portion of the population that simply wound up the string and looked at it. A small group of these migrated to Minnesota, and named their settlement after the man they perceived as their benefactor.
*** The Stinky News sponsors these attractions at Garlic Festival: The Rogue Runway Fashion Show The Finger Picking Contest, The Hand Wringing Contest, The Nose Flute Contest, and The Nose Picking Contest.
The END of the TWINE BALL FESTIVAL
Stinky News wishes to announce that we will no longer do “promotional work” for Twine Ball Days (TBD). It turns out that once we started publishing Tongue-In-Cheek Articles (TICA) about TBD, thinking we were being oh so clever, we received telegrams thanking us for it. Messages like, “We’d have never known about TBD if we hadn’t read about it in Stinky News (SN)!”, “We had a blast at TBD in Darwin (DWN) – thanks SN!”, and “It was the best time a person could possibly have in DWN!” Dozens of people stayed away from Minnesota Garlic Festival (MGF) and went to TBD in DWN instead of MGF in Hutchinson (HTHSN). Well, that’s all over now: TBD is SOL, and will have to DIY on advertising FNO. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Besides, MGF won’t be on the same weekend as TBD next year, so what do we care?
Plus our seasonal pro bono lawyers (see footnote 1) told us we should 86 the TICA on TBD or that festival’s management might sue Our Happy Butts (OHB) one day, assuming that there’s actually someone with a pulse managing it (TBD, not OHB).
But just to show that there’s no hard feelings, we will continue to sponsor the Twine Ball Contest, so send them your balls and win Fabulous Prizes (FP)!
(1) Our seasonal pro bono lawyers (they only give us free advice at Christmas) from the firm of Mayer, Daisby, Mehry & Brite inform us that we must disclose that some of the gift ideas are from companies that may have paid us promotional fees. When we replied, “Who in their right mind would pay to get mentioned in Stinky News?”, their liability specialist, Justin Case, said, “Do you want our free advice or not?”
Vernal Equinox, 2015
DARWIN FIGHTS BACK
Our regular reader will recall that we have had an ongoing “relationship” with the Twine Ball Days event in Darwin. Actually, that’s a misnomer: a relationship requires that both parties are aware that it’s going on. Twine Ball Days, or TwiBaD to insiders (“ballers”) doesn’t seem to know that Stinky News, much less the Garlic Festival, exists, even when we listed all their less-than-lukewarm online reviews (there were no better-than-lukewarm ones); even when we wrote that they have “delusions of mediocrity”; even when we called a truce last year since the two events did not, for once, fall on the same day; even when we started a contest on their behalf for people to send them unsolicited twine balls — despite all that, they either chose to ignore us, or simply had no idea that we were being incredibly clever at their expense.
Not any more.
We are now in receipt of a signed and certified letter demanding that we cease and desist all references to Twine Ball Days and the City of Darwin. In a preemptive strike by TwiBaD’s law firm, Moldey, Stringer & Bollocks, obviously prompted when they realized that once again the two events were on the same day in 2016, they have insisted that we “refrain from all calumny and mendaciousness when referring to our client.”
Well, heck, we had to read the rest of the letter then — they had us with “calumny” — just to see if there were other words we’d have to look up and use against them.
They then listed a list of phrases that we were no longer to use in our publication, including “Darwin”, “Twine”, “Ball”, “Podunk” and “what part of this slow moving train wreck could be considered a festival?”
We fully intend to comply with their stated demands. However, they did not mention the clandestine contest, so that’s still on. Send in your balls right away!