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MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
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REGIME CHANGE at GARLIC FESTIVAL
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THE GARLIC PROJECT
REGIME CHANGE at GARLIC FESTIVAL
There’s been another shake-up at Garlic Festival Central Command. Both of our regular readers will recall that we previously reported that tediously-tong-time Festival Director, Jerry Ford, was gradually stepping down, as Sarah Lindblom first became a co-director, and then was set to take the reigns in 2019 [footnote 1].
The word on the street is that Lindblom is out.
We sent our imminently intrepid investigative investigator, Ward Bobwood, who previously broke the TwineBallGate case, to interview Ford.
Ward Bobwood: “We heard that Sarah Lindblom was no longer in the running for the Festival Director position.”
Ford: “Hey! I heard that, too!”
W.B.: “Is that true?”
Ford: (angrily) “Oh, here we go again. You people just assume if my lips are moving I’m lying, and then you can’t wait to jump all over it. The press has never liked me! Well, read my lips, dude: I said I heard that story, and I DID!”
W.B.: “No, I mean, is it true that Sarah Lindblom is no longer in the running for Festival Director?”
Ford: “Oh. My bad. Yeah, that’s true.”
W.B.: “So, you fired her?”
Ford: “No, dude! She requested a lateral promotion to being the Co-Director of The Great Scape Cafe so she could work with someone she likes.”
W.B.: “You mean her twin sister, Jennifer Lindblom, who ran The Great Scape for the 2017 festival? As opposed to you?”
Ford: “Yes! Wait, no. I mean . . .”
W.B. “So, the Lindblom Twins will be running The Great Scape.”
Ford: “Yeah, you know, I’m not, like, totally convinced there’s two of them. I mean, what if she’s just trying to get paid twice? Like, has anyone ever seen them both together, like, you know, together?”
W.B.: “Yes. Lots of times. So, you’re going to continue with the Festival Director duties . . .”
Ford: “”It has never actually been proven that I performed doodies as the Garlic Festival Director. OK, now ask me what else is going on.”
Ford: “I officially recognized Hutchinson as the capital of Minnesota.”
W.B.: “Um . . .”
Ford: “And we’ve got to do something about the size of monuments. I mean, does Linus Van Pelt really need to be that humongous? It’s creepy. And that cherry spoon thing at the Wonker Arts Center? Dude, nobody can eat a cherry that big, and the spoon’s all wonky.”
Having barked up that wrong tree long enough, Ward Bobwood found someone at the Garlic Festival offices who was actually capable of rational thought, and got the straight story. Sarah Lindblom has indeed decided to withdraw from the director-track position, and will instead be the co-director of The Great Scape Cafe with her sister, Jennifer Lindblom, both of whom are very actively involved with the Local Foods Movement.
The festival board will, however, be hiring a Festival Manager to “take on all the stuff that Director Ford sucks at, which is most of it”. More information on this new position, we were promised, is forthcoming in January.
The GARLIC PROJECT
One of the challenges of publishing a publication that is interminably tongue-in-cheek, supertemporally satirical, and persistently silly is that, when there is something serious thatwhich we want to report, no one believes us.
Such is the case with The Garlic Project. If we write here that the Minnesota Department of Agriculture, via a program called “Specialty Crops Block Grants”, has given money to Sustainable Farming Association (the parent nonprofit behind Garlic Festival) to actually encourage and promote more garlic production in Minnesota, we can already hear the collective “Yeah, right, sure they did” from our readers.
But really, honest-to-God, they did.
And if you’re a garlic grower – or have gone off your medication and want to be one – the Garlic Project wants you.
Read all about it here:
See. It’s on the internet, so it must be true.
 From one of our staff proofreaders, Prudentia Parfwargle, Ph.d: “For syntactic infractions alone, that sentence should be take out back and shot.”