The Preternatural Newsletter of the
Minnesota Garlic Festival
Somewhere in this issue you might find articles concerning:
- CROW RIVER WINERY HAS A LEAK
- GARLIC FEST in the REAL NEWS
- GARLIC FESTIVAL SPONSORS FESTIVAL OF FARMS
- EXPLODING FROZEN BEEF
- GARLIC FESTIVAL DIGNITARIES AT MILL CITY FARMERS MARKET
- NORA MCINTYRE JOINS STINKY NEWS STAFF
- ENTERTAINING TEASE
- WINE TASTING EXPANDED – INCLUDES CRAFT BEER!
You can read past issues of The Stinky News at the festival website, www.mngarlicfest.com; just look for the links on the left side of the page.
CROW RIVER WINERY HAS A LEAK
Mary Hodson, Media Mogul at Crow River Winery, has leaked information about the much anticipated Garlic Lover’s Ball*:
“It’s going to be the night before the festival – Friday, August 10, 2012 – at the world famous Crow River Winery, with dinner and dancing in the vineyard. It’s open to the public, or at least those who buy a ticket, which will include admission to the Festival the next day, and, hey, that alone is worth the price of the ticket to the Ball, if you skew the math a bit. Watch for more info in the next issue of Stinky News or the Crow River Winery website for details on this night to remember!”
GARLIC FEST in the REAL NEWS
Seven years ago, when the proto-organizers of the festival announced the first annual event, they were ecstatic to find themselves featured in the travel section of the prestigious New York Times. This year, we have trumped that accomplishment: we’re in the ST. CLOUD Times! Click here to read the article.
GARLIC FESTIVAL SPONSORS FESTIVAL OF FARMS
Part of the mission of the Garlic Festival is to raise funds to further promote sustainable farming education. To that end, Garlic Festival is now a proud sponsor of the Crow River Area Festival of Farms events, which will feature 12 sustainable and organic farms from St. Paul to Litchfield and Montgomery to Ramsey on July 14. Festival of Farms is a statewide event presented by Sustainable Farming Association of Minnesota. Garlic Festival is providing funds to help the host farms defray the cost of presenting the tours. There’s more information on all of the Festival of Farms events at: www.sfa-mn.org/festival-of-farms/.
EXPLODING FROZEN BEEF
According to CBS News, federal officials considered bombing a herd of frozen cattle near Conundrum Springs, Colorado. What does this have to do with garlic? Read on.
It seems that a herd of cattle, high in the Rockies, wandered into a ranger cabin in the Maroon Bells-Snowmass Wilderness. The assumption is the animals “sought shelter during a snowstorm and got stuck and weren’t smart enough to find their way out.” However, when the Stinky News Investigative Reporting Team (SNIRT) asked a local cattle expert about this, he replied, “Cattle aren’t always smart enough to find their way IN, but they can always find their way OUT.”
Speculation is that the same rangers that left the door unlocked in the first place also left a stash of Rocky Mountain Granola inside, a known favorite of bovines in the Western States: the cattle gorged on the granola, were too bloated to get out the door, the temperature dropped, and the cattle froze.**
Then the story gets weird. It seems that two Air Force cadets just happened to be snowshoeing the nine miles up to the cabin, discovered the popsicles beeves, and debated whether to call in an air strike***. (Could it be that the Air Force actually sent these two out into that wilderness area – rarely travelled in winter – specifically to find something they could bomb? Could their orders have been “surveil the area for potential targets, including but not limited to frozen cattle”?) Regardless, the Forest Service pulled rank (“Hey! That’s OUR wilderness! Go find your own frozen cattle!”) and their spokesperson, Brian Porter, told the media that bombing the cattle was an option, along with such alternatives as burning down the cabin****, and using helicopters to lift the frozen cows out. Porter commented, “we don’t want them defrosting.”
That’s when Mary Jane Miller, the Garlic Festival’s own Chef Wrangler, decided to take her title more literally, and contacted the Forest Service with her proposal: airlift the cattle out to Minnesota – she would defrost them. Miller’s plan involved rounding up all the festival chefs and basing the cooking demo’s and Great Scape Cafe menu on this prime beef that would have otherwise been blown to smithereens, which is in keeping with our Zero Waste policy. It all came to a screeching halt when Miller realized that her cold-storage facility was already at capacity with newly harvested garlic scapes, and there would be no room for the hapless bovines.*****
Here’s a link to a clever little comic that we wish we’d created: www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIvZ9Uerago.
GARLIC FESTIVAL AMBASSADORS AT MILL CITY FARMERS MARKET
Now that all the kerfluffle with the restraining order has been cleared up, Garlic Festival ambassadors will be joining in “Sustainable Farming Association Day” at Mill City Farmers Market on June 30. Festival Director, Jerry Ford (aka “The Big Head Bulb”), will be joined by Mary Jane Miller, whose titles include Chef Wranger, Maven of Mmmmmm, and Vicar of Viands. Miller will be selling and signing copies of The Minnesota Garlic Festival Cookbook.
Also, in our ongoing “Where’s the Hidden 2-for-1 Ticket Coupon?” Contest, Ford and Miller will pose such riddles as, “what it’s got in its nassty little pocketses?,” and hints like, “this may look like a really nifty bookmark, but it could also be a 2-for-1 coupon,”
NORA MCINTYRE JOINS STINKY NEWS STAFF
We are pleased to announce the latest addition to our distinguished writing staff: Nora McIntyre is joining the cadre of critics and commentaryists in the cleverly-named Criticism and Commentary Department here at Stinky News World Headquarters. She comes to us from that ineluctable incubator of important writers, Oak Park, Illinois, (birthplace of Ernest Hemingway) where she has successfully completed the fourth grade, and her mommy is the vendor who sells the Garlic Fest t-shirts.
Here’s her review of last year’s festival written in 2011:
“Every year I go to the Garlic Festival in Minisota. When I go there I help my mom and aunt sell teshirts, but there are lots of other things to see and do, too! Try eating garlic ice cream, yuck! On stage there are people doing garlic recipes and proformers, including my mom’s cousin who sings only about garlic. Kids get fun things too, like garlic games and cow milking contests, and pony rides and kite making. I even got a garlic neclase. I was thrilled.”
“It was the flamingo’s fault,” says festival Entertainment Director, Mariénne Kreitlow. At the fifth annual MN Garlic Festival, she had an epiphany. As the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade (which occurs at precisely 1:37 p.m. on festival day) pleasantly passed the Performance Tent, one of the winning “floats” – a bicycle entirely festooned with plastic pink flamingoes and strands of garlic – came into view.
“It was like those movies where it goes slow motion,” Kreitlow says, dreamily, “The percussionists on the stage became the soundtrack, and maybe it was all that garlic gas in the air, but I had an intense vision: the flamingoes transformed into Flamenco Dancers, the bicycle became a Spanish guitar, and the drums were the thunder of the the Flamenco dancers’ shoes and the castanets!”
A true child of the 60s (though she insists this was no run-of-the-mill flashback), Kreitlow considered it a calling, a prophesy and a pretty darn cool idea, and set about making her dream a reality.
The result: this year the Wedge Co-op Local Foods/Local Arts Stage will be taken over by the thundering hooves of the Mateo Flamenco Collective. Spanish Guitarist, Scott Mateo-Davies, and his team of dancers and musicians will wow you with this energetic staccato flurry of guitar, voice, dance and “palmas” (highly intricate hand clapping).
WINE TASTING EXPANDED – INCLUDES CRAFT BEER!
More details are yet to come, but what we can say is that our already fabulous Wine Tasting is expanding in a couple of ways. First off, Minnesota craft beers will also be featured. What’s more, you’ll be able to take your glass of wine or beer with you around the grounds to enjoy with your garlic-enriched food. And to top it off, the Wine and Craft Beer Tasting will include a commemorative glass. We know for a fact that at least one of the wineries makes garlic wine.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 11, 2012
McLeod County Fairgrounds in Hutchinson
Rain or Shine
No Pets, Please!
*Our regular Stinky News readers, collectively known as “stinkers”, have already thought of every possible pun implied by the name of this event, so the editors have decided to leave well-enough alone – this time.
** We have no evidence to back up the granola hypothesis, but we’re hoping Rocky Mountain Granola will consider sponsoring the festival.
*** We made up that bit about calling in the air strike, but the rest of the explosives stuff is real.
**** It seems to us that blowing up the cabin and burning down the cabin are much the same, except that explosives are more fun.
***** The last paragraph has managed to get all the fabricated facts wrong, and we are already working on our retraction.