Parental Warning: Not that any of our readers would actually allow their children to read this — but we have heard that some of you read it aloud to your kids, which gives you the opportunity to edit appropriately. Anyway, do not read footnote 3 if you’re offended by “Words that Sound Naughty but Aren’t” [footnote 1]
The public publication publicizing [footnote 3]
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
New Year’s Eve Edition, 2017
The STINKIEST STORIES of 2017
We’ve never done one of those “Best of . . . ” or “Most Important Stories of . . .” or “Stars that Shuffled Off this Mortal Coil in. . . ” stories since The Stinky News began publicly publishing publications in the mid-60’s. But, once again, none of our staff got invited to any parties, and we sheepishly found ourselves all back at the office on New Year’s Eve “just catching up on some loose ends”.
Someone remembered that we had a case of garlic wine in the storage room (it’s not so bad if everyone is drinking it) and soon the idea of a “Stinkiest Stories of 2017” edition didn’t sound so stupid.
Here they are.
We can’t find the January issue.
As a Valentine to that other festival in Darwin, MN, we purchased the domain name DarwinTwineBall.org and launched a fake news website. Then it was mysteriously shut down. We blame the Russians.
But our Web Master. Dora Lorgenbale, managed to salvage the content and migrate it to another, unhackable site:
March, April, May
We can’t find these issues, either. Again, probably the Russians.
In reaction to the Russian hacking, June was our “Stinky-Leaks” edition. This entire issue was a masterpiece of “spy genre” writing, but the best was this black ops piece on black garlic:
There were actually three editions in July, but we suspect that two of them were the March and April issues that got misplaced for a couple of months. We still don’t know what happened to May, and the Kremlin won’t answer our calls.
With all the current Minnesota Vikings Pseudomania , we thought it would be fun to reprise the story about the Gjallarhorn.
In the last issue before the festival, we always try to do a contest to encourage folks to attend. This year it was the “What’s on the Menu” contest. An astounding number of people came forward with the right answer and claimed their prizes. We’re not really used to that.
This issue ran off with the May edition. They were last seen on holiday together in the Black Sea resort town of Vityazevo taking in the peloid baths.
There was only one article in the October edition, and it was a shameless advertisement masquerading as news. But the footnotes were great.
It appears we forgot to do a November edition.
Since this one is still fresh in everyone’s memory, we just thought we’d give a progress report on our efforts to have the word “thatwhich” added to the lexicon. The folks at Oxford American Dictionary have yet to respond, but we have heard reports that it’s catching on in Leningrad. Unfortunately, it’s not being used as we intended, as a pronoun, but rather as the name of a new sandwich made with aioli and pulled pork. “Comrade Chefsky! Give me a thatwhich on rye with a side of wodka!”
1) Really, don’t look at footnote 3 if gratuitous, pseudointellectual puerility might offend you.
2) Pseudomania: a neurosis characterized by the mistaken belief that if one does not look directly at something very desirable, or doesn’t admit it to be a possible outcome, that it is more likely to happen.
3) The 2017 “Top 15 Words that Sound Naughty but Aren’t List”
– Octopus (Our ex-Staff Etymologist tried to convince us that “octopus” is an 8-sided cat. This is the same guy who said “oxymoron” is an 8-sided idiot, and “demonstrate” was one of the levels of Hell.)
– Anything with Ass in it
– Publication (the act of publicating)
– Publican (one who publicates)
– Republican (one who publicates often)
– Public Exhibition (You’ve got the idea at this point)
– Anything Public