the noisome narrative
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Late July Edition, 2017
- Sabotage Plot has Ties to Twine Ball
- Black Garlic Retraction
- Exclusive Things to Buy at Garlic Fest
- All Weather Event?
SABOTAGE PLOT has TIES to TWINE BALL
Google Maps and other online map services are giving incorrect directions to the Garlic Festival. They will randomly display a route that takes drivers to an unnamed service driveway on the south side of McLeod County Fairgrounds, which is not an entrance to the festival.
Ima Knutjahb, our staff Conspiracy Factist [Footnote 1], believes it’s a case of sabotage, probably originating from one of the nefarious groups affiliated with the Darwin Twine Ball. She claims that this could be the work of one of two secret cells: The so-called “Sons of Darwin”, aka “The Monkey Wrench Gang”, or the even shadowier “Simian Minions”. Ms. Knutjahb claims they have hacked GPS satellites used by Google in retaliation for what they feel are “unprovoked attacks” on the Twine Ball Festival by this publication. (See darwintwineball.org)
Says Knutjahb, “These spurious spalpeens are arrantly perfidious and flagitious, but they really know how to monkey with GPS software. Despite myriad requests from us, Google won’t – or can’t – change the deleterious directions.”
The remedy? When using a GPS app, festival-goers should enter the actual published address of the fairgrounds: 840 Century Ave. SW, Hutchinson, MN. Do NOT enter “McLeod County Fairgrounds” or “Minnesota Garlic Festival” .
BLACK GARLIC RETRACTION
Harah Tuston, the festival’s Vendor Coordinator, has filed a formal complaint against The Stinky News, and has demanded that we retract all those nasty things we said about black garlic in our June issue.
“We finally have a vendor who makes black garlic from their own bulbs right here in Minnesota,” whined Tuston, “and I’m told it’s really good.” Claiming that this will rival the infamous Garlic Ice Cream in popularity and will bring dozens more people to the festival, she has insisted on a public apology about that previous article.
Shucks, we’re sorry, Harah.
See more about the concessions and vendor offerings in the next article.
EXCLUSIVE THINGS to BUY at GARLIC FESTIVAL
When we interviewed Vendor Coordinator, Harah Tuston, about this year’s concessioners and vendors, she was noticeably excited to talk about it. Actually, she was dancing around like a second-grader that’s been too long between restroom breaks. She started off with a total fangirl squeal, caught her breath, and gushed, “You won’t believe all stuff that will only be exclusively only at Garlic Festival one day ooonnnnnllllyyyyy!” 
She stopped to breathe into a paper bag and fan herself for a few minutes, and then went on, “And, OMG, now there’s a webpage now with all 80 or so of them now listed now! Go look at it! Do it now!”
At least 23.7% of our readers have met Ms. Tuston and know that she’s very ebullient.
Here’s the webpage she was ebullienting about:
ALL WEATHER EVENT?
In some of its advertising for Garlic Fest, the claim is made that it is an “All Weather Event”, while other panderations tout that the festival happens “Rain or Shine”. We sent our intrepid ace cub reporter, Jimmy Lane-Kent, (click here to see a picture of his famous grandfather) to interview festival director, Jerry Ford (click here to see the best picture ever taken of him), about this because we knew it would really annoy him. Here is an excerpt from that interview:
Jimmy Kent-Lane: “Director Ford, some of your advertising includes the phrase ‘Rain or Shine’. Which is it?”
Ford: “Which what?”
Kent-Lane: “Which one?”
Ford: “Which one what?”
K-L: “Rain of Shine.”
L-K: “Yes what?”
Ford: “What yes what?”
K-L: “Rain or Shine, which?”
L-K: “You can’t have both.”
Ford: “OK, either.”
L-K: “Let’s move on.”
Ford: “Let me answer the question.”
K-L: “OK. Which is it?”
Ford: “Which what?”
L-K: “Let’s move on . . .”
Ford: “The press has never liked me. Media is the enemy of the people.”
K-L: “Of course it is. Some of your publicity says ‘rain or shine’. . . ”
L-K: “Which what?”
Ford: “Which publicity?”
Ford: “Oh. Right. What’s your question?”
L-K: “Even though some of your publicity says ‘rain or shine’, in other places, it says ‘All Weather Event’. What does that mean?”
Ford: “Well, like, we’re prepared for all kinds of weather, so people should come to the festival no matter what the meterphilogists say.”
K-L: “So, if there’s a thunderstorm, you’re prepared for that.”
Ford: “Yep. We can move everything inside the buildings.”
L-K: “How about hail?”
Ford: “Everything moves inside, and we have great insurance.”
Ford: “All our staff are completely trained in the state tornado safety procedures.”
Ford: “All our staff are completely trained in the state hurricane safety procedures.”
Ford: “Yes, the Great Scape Cafe serves that.”
L-K: “No, it’s a giant wave in the ocean.”
Ford: “All our staff . . .”
K-L: “A meteor is going to hit the fairgrounds.”
Ford: “I know the procedure for that one by heart: Stay calm, sit down, place your head between your knees, and kiss you butt goodbye. But at least you had a really great time right up to that point.”
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2017
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson, 840 Century Ave SW, Hutchinson
A Rain or Shine All-Weather Event
No Pets, Please
A production of the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
1) Quoting Ima Knutjahb: “I don’t publish conspiracy theories; I publish conspiracy facts!”
2) Unless you’d like to the see a formidable barricade with a lovely banner provided to us by Minnesota Grown that says “Not an Entrance”.
3) According to our staff ombudsman, U. Kant Printhat, “that sentence should be taken out back and slapped repeatedly until it makes some sense.”