All the Stinking Skinny on
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
June 2017 Edition
Sometimes something is handed to you like soggy hot dish on a thin paper plate, and even though it was free and easy and a gift, you have that irresistible urge to throw it at someone before it soaks through the plate and ruins your pants. So it was when myself and an unspecified number of unnamed members of the Stinki-Leaks Underground Team paid a surprise visit to the MN Garlic Festival Offices in hopes of obtaining heretofore secret files about the festival’s questionable activities.
Remember, Stinky News, of which Stinky-Leaks is a department, is independent from the Garlic Festival, and strives to maintain journalistic detachment when writing about the festival.
When the Stinki-Leaks Underground Team arrived at The Garlic Fest main office (which, despite their grandiose portrayals of their operations center, is actually a quonset in an abandoned farmstead), we found their entire staff were on “lunch break” according to one of those little signs with the image of clock where you can indicate the time of your return (the hands had been removed from the clock and someone had scrawled “guess” on it). None of them came back for the three days we spent rifling through their file cabinets and rolodexes.
What follows are reports that confirm what we suspected: the Garlic Festival is run by people with their own nefarious intentions, and they’re blitheringly incompetent to boot.
— Jillian Assuage, Stinki-Leaks Editor-in-Hiding
The ONLINE TICKET SCAM
We have an informant from inside the Garlic Festival operation – a mole, a snitch, a squealer, stoolie, canary and double-crossing Judas – who goes by the code name “Deep Bulb”. Our drop site is two adjacent stalls in the restroom at an upscale local foods co-op (the only one big enough to have two stalls), a procedure that our staff refer to as “taking a stinky-leak”.
Deep Bulb brought us this juicy bit last week: After twelve years in operation, the festival is finally going to offer online advance ticket sales — but there’s a catch. It’s actually a ploy to slip in a “service charge” and make more profit on each ticket.
We’re not above a little espionage, so we hacked the festival’s website and added a “disclaimer” page before the actual ticket purchase page, and made it look like they had written it. We’ve got a betting pool on how long it takes the Garlic Festival Staff to notice.
Here’s the link:
The FLYING PIG HOAX
With our state-of-the-art investigative techniques, the Stinky-Leaks Undercover Team discovered that the story about the exploding pig previously reported by The Stinky News – a story based entirely on an official press release from MN Garlic Festival – was mostly falsified.
It was fake news [footnote 1].
At first, we couldn’t figure out why the Garlic Festival would lie about the pig roast “accident”: their press release stated that “the pig blew up”, and flew “over the Hutchinson 3M Plant just moments before it entered orbit”. Our sources tell us that the pig did indeed ignite, but was not launched. It simply burned up in situ, and was doused with fire extinguishers, rendering it entirely inedible even to those who like their pork well done.
To back up their story, Garlic Festival sent Stinky News a photo of what they claimed was the pig sailing over the 3M plant (http://www.sfa-mn.org/garlic-fest-pig-roast-mishap), and shortly thereafter a rumor began to circulate that the rock band, Pink Floyd, had been booked to play at the festival The fact is that the photo of the flying pig that they sent us – that they stole – is from a Pink Floyd promotion campaign. We have evidence that it was festival staff who started this rumor.
The real story is this: the festival is covertly forming a Pink Floyd tribute band (by “tribute” they mean “bad parody”) and is planning to announce that “Pink Floyd” are coming to Hutchinson for the festival, in hopes of increasing attendance. But when people show up to see this iconic rock group, they’ll actually see the “tribute” band, which some ankle-biter on the festival staff has decided to call “Stink Floyd”.
The band are rehearsing, though in an ironic twist – like the pig – their drummers keep blowing up, Songs are being re-written (ripped off), such as: “Dark Side of the Bulb”, “Comfortably Dumb” and “Wish You Were Beer“:
“So. So you think you can tell
Summit from Surly,
Blue Moon from Hayes?
Can you tell a Badger Hill
from a cold Omni Ale,
A dark from a pale?
Do you think you can tell?”
It is our hope that once this story gets out, the dozen of so people who actually read this far will demand that the Garlic Festival call off this hoax.
The BLACK GARLIC EXPERIMENT
The most elaborate cover-up that our undercover agents uncovered while working under cover at the Garlic festival offices involved records of a botched experiment conducted by festival “researchers’ on black garlic.
For our reader who is not aware of this phenomenon, proponents of black garlic say that is is a food with numerous health benefits made from caramelizing and fermenting whole garlic bulbs until they turn black. Detractors say it’s neither caramelized nor fermented, and that it’s a way for people with too much time and garlic on their hands – and too little Prozac – to use up their excess garlic (as opposed to just eating it), and, because it’s the American way, they figured out at way to monetize it.
So some of the Garlic Festival staff decided they also wanted to monetize it, but first they needed evidence that black garlic actually tasted good, or was at least edible. Unfortunately, these were the worst bozos of the Garlic Festival staff, which is all of them.
They designed a “double blind experiment”  with three control groups, in which:
Group One: was given a supply of black garlic, but not told what it was. The participants were also given this instruction: “Masticate and degust the provided substance, and then give us your assessment.”
Group Two: was given a placenta.
Group Three: was given instructions to go home and watch the film, “Garlic is as Good as Ten Mothers“.
After the prescribed duration, the team of bozoes reported these results:
78% thought it was a new kind of adhesive paste, and proceeded to make collages.
23% wouldn’t confess what they’d used it for.
1 person actually looked up “degust” and “masticate” and ate the black garlic, but this person also admitted to having eaten paste in kindergarten.
The overwhelming response was confusion.
This group, without exception, reported that their lives were better now for having watched this film.
Needless to say, the bozi who conducted this “experiment” gathered no results that furthered their cause of using black garlic to help make more money for the festival. The remaining stock of black garlic was sent to the Veggie Buds Club, who present the kids programming at the festival, for use in arts and crafts.
The TWINE BALL EMBARRASSMENT
In the files we found at the Garlic Festival office, there were so many examples of the dumb-luck fumbling of the Festival Director that we finally just picked one at random. It seems that his personal staff (he calls them “My Cabinet” and pronounces it “Cab-in-nay”) booked him on a “Goodwill Mission” to Darwin, MN, to meet with the Twine Ball Festival Staff.
Rather than smudging up this publication with the details, we again hacked the Garlic Festival website, where they inexplicably have a page dedicated to the Twine Ball Festival, and uploaded the story there. See it at darwintwineball.org.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2017
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
No Pets, Please
Rain or Shine
A production of the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
1) Not that The Stinky News has anything against fake news. Heck, that’s what we’ve been doing for years, and doing it well. What we don’t like is:
– when someone sends us a story that just isn’t true, and
– we publish it under that tried-and-true test of veracity: “You can’t make this kind of stuff up”.
Well, they DID make it up!
And, while we’re on a roll, here are two other things that we find inconceivable:
– that there are people out there intentionally publishing fake news and a lot of people believe it, and
– verifiable stories are published, backed by incontrovertible evidence, and because someone in authority says it’s fake news, people believe it is!
And here’s a really cute video of pigs actually flying.
2) It was a double blind experiment because a) the test subjects didn’t know what they were given, and b) the “researchers” were bozos who had no idea what they were doing.
3) We asked the Spelling and Punning Elucidation, Legitimization and Lexicalization Department (SPELL) at Stinky News World Headquarters if the plural of bozo was indeed bozos. They said they’d get back to us (“This will take a spell”), and after a few days they gave us their answer (“Put a spell on us”):
“Bozos is acceptable, though bozoes is as well. Bozi is the most grammatically accurate, considering the Latin roots of the word, i.e.”bozi non carborundum”.
Then they proffered this fascinating factoid for free:
“The sphere of stupidity surrounding a bozo is the bozone. It also surrounds large balls of twine.”