The shortest ever
(only 2 articles and 5 footnotes)
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Independence Day Edition, 2017
NOTHING on a STICK?
With the recent announcement, “New Foods at Minnesota State Fair“, by that other festival, in which many of the “new foods” are skewered, speared, spiked or otherwise stuck [footnote 1], our editorial staff here at Stinky News has decided to suggest that Minnesota Garlic Festival reconsider its long-standing policy and advertising slogan:
“Nothing on a Stick”.
We solicited our readers, and after those charges were dropped, we asked our readers to give us some ideas on:
“If Garlic Fest were to start serving stuff on a stick, what would you like to see?”
Here are the ones we could print.
Garlic Wine Jello Shots OAS (On a Stick)
Flash frozen Crow River Winery Garlic Wine coated with molasses and rolled in deep fried kale chip crumbles.
The “Stick it to the Man” Series
The top ten OAS foods from that other festival, but done with local, non-GMO, Organic, Certified Naturally Grown, Animal Welfare Certified ingredients, i.e. stuff that tastes good.
Chef on a Stick
Garlic Festival’s Celebrity Chefs that will prepare custom ordered foods on a stick for you. You can easily identify which chefs are available for this because they are impaled:
In honor of Minnesota Salsa Fest, the new Sustainable Farming Association event in September: free-range insectivores skewered and roasted in a Mexican fruit and chili poblano sauce.
The VIKINGS are COMING
Garlic Festival Director, Jerry Ford, showed up at the latest board meeting – the board that oversees the festival staff – all a-twitter about “this really exciting, you know, thing that’s going to sort of happen at the festival this year, dudes!” When it finally came his turn on the agenda, he blurted out, “The Vikings want to send the Gjallarhorn to Garlic Fest!”, then did a victory dance on his chair until he realized that he was surrounded by a wall of blank stares.
“You know, THE V-I-K-I-N-G-S. Like, go team, right?”
The blank stares grew blanker.
“Ah, c’mon, guys! What?!”
Board president, Carl Connison, broke the cacophony of blank starage with, “What have The Vikings got to do with garlic or local foods or sustainable farming?”, to which another board member added, “How does this fit the mission?”, and a third added, “What are you thinking, Ford?”
Ford: “They said they might send some cheerleaders.”
Board Member: “What the heck is a Gjallarhorn?”
Ford: “It’s like this 11-foot Norse horn thingy on a rolling cart thingy.”
B.M.: “So, it could be in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade?”
Ford: “Well, no, the wheels don’t work any more.”
B.M.: “But we could have them blow the horn to announce things, right?”
Ford: “It doesn’t blow any more.”
B.M.: “Sounds to me like it really blows.”
Ford: “Did I mention the cheerleaders?”
The meeting spiraled chaosward into argy-wargy from there, until Ford threatened to “execute an Executive Order”, so the board grudgingly granted him permission with the condition to put the Gjallarhorn behind the Mini Biffs.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2017
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Entrance at 840 Century Ave SW only
No Pets, Please
Rain or Shine
A production of the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
1) Our Food Science Department here at Stinky News World Headquarters has a theory that the primary reason that other festival requires that vendors stab their food creations (“put them on a stick”) is to be sure that it’s dead in compliance with some Health Department rule.
2) In an attempt to avoid confusion, “that other festival” is NOT the one with the big, moldy ball of string that’s held in Darwin, MN, on the same day as Garlic Festival.
3) Here aren’t the suggestions we couldn’t print:
4) Jerk cooking (when read as an adjective and a noun, not a noun and a verb) comes from Jamaica, where chicken is dry-rubbed or marinated in “jerk” spices, most of which in their pure form would blow the top of a native Minnesotan’s head off. The term comes from those irritating practical jokers who say, “here, try some of this sauce”, and then laugh it up as your eyes water, your face turns scarlet and you chug your beer.
5) The Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade is a perky parade that circumperamubulates the surrounding circumference of the festival perimeter at precisely 1:37 p.m. precisely.