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Stinky News June 2008 |
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June is bustin' out all over, and the garlic is as high as an elephant's knee; and here's the 3rd edition of the "Stinky News" for the 3rd Annual MN Garlic Festival. As the garlic plants surge from the ground like overzealous zombies, we thought we'd send you a story about Allium Sativum's darker side: GARLIC the VAMPIRE SLAYER It's widely known that garlic is a vampire repellent. It's been working pretty well here in MN, with one notable exception. Back in 2006, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, an avowed vampire, announced he would run for governor on the Vampyres, Witches and Pagans Party Ticket. (Hey, we're not making this bit up - read the news article: http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/200601/s1547002.htm). Then came the arrests for some outstanding warrants, and his campaign fizzled; or that's the story the news sources reported. (Disclaimer: the rest of this is entirely fictional, so let's not have any Undead Rights Groups suing us, OK?) But it has now come to light that it was actually the efforts of two secretive organizations, JABOCS* and NMGMMMN in MN**, that brought about The Impaler's downfall. Details are sketchy, but our investigative reporters have been able to follow the scent of a fragrant trail that stretches for the 1st Annual MN Garlic Festival to Jonathon Sharkey's door. Several garlic vendors at the festival reported men and women in black trenchcoats and fedoras (there were even reports they carried whips and silver tent stakes), buying up vast amounts of bulbs and slinking off into the night. Within weeks, a ring of garlic could be found encircling The Impaler's house, with package labels from Living Song Gardens and Dakota Garlic, not to mention some empty Glacial Acres Garlic Jelly jars, found nearby. Oddly enough, this ring of garlic left only one ground level escape route (there were no reports that Sharkey could actually fly), which pointed directly toward Fargo. The reputed leader of JABOCS, Wilton "The Impounder" Drof, was quoted as saying, "My work here is done - back to making pesto". And what could follow a story like that except the lyrics to a song by MN Garlic Festival Entertainment Director, Mariénne Kreitlow, which will appear on her soon-to-be-released CD, "Garlic and Other Strong Forces of Nature"? PUT DOWN THE GARLIC (Verse One) (Verse Two) (Chorus) (Verse Three) (Chorus) (Verse Four) (Last Chorus) Copyright 2006, Living Song Music
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