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THE GARLIC FESTIVAL AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE
Dateline: East Alliumbria, April 1st, 2008
A little known archeological excavation has been in progress in this remote region for the past 14 years, reputed in arcane texts to be the birthplace of gourmet garlic. The excavation is little known because it's so poorly funded that they could barely afford to get there, let alone do any publicity; and it's taken 14 years because the researchers have a habit of taking long meal breaks at the local bistro and even longer naps. Despite these obstacles, the team, led by the eminent alliumologist, Professor Peter Pesto, is now reporting an astounding discovery.
Here is a transcript of a satellite phone interview recorded April 1, 2008, and filed by the reporter for Gastronomical Archeology Today, Ieta Lott:
Ieta Lott:
"Prof. Pesto, can you tell us what you've found up there in Alliumbria?"
Prof. Pesto:
"Ah, yes, we've discovered that rubbing the entire garlic bulb with olive oil for several minutes before baking really brings out the flavor of . . ."
Ieta Lott:
"No, I mean at the archeological dig."
Prof. Pesto:
"Oh, that. Well, we've found the oldest known calendar written by the Garlicians . . ."
Ieta Lott:
"Uh, Garlicians?"
Prof. Pesto:
"The first inhabitants of Alliumbria. They wrote this ancient calendar on onion skin papyrus - which stores for long periods in mesh bags with indirect light and airflow - and it is quite remarkable. Not only does it have easy to prepare weekly recipes and lovely pictures of beautifully lit local produce, but - and this is the amazing thing - it appears to have a definite ending, beyond which, we think, the Garlicians believed that time would end."
Ieta Lott:
"You mean like that Mayan calendar? And when, according to the Garlicians, will this apocalypse occur?"
Prof. Pesto:
"August 16, 2008. Just after evening meal dessert."
Ieta Lott:
"That soon?! What can we do?!"
Prof. Pesto:
"I don't know about you, but I'm going to spend it at the 3rd Annual MN Garlic Festival."
Ieta Lott:
"Are you sure about all this?"
Prof. Pesto:
"Of course. Look it up on their website, www.sfa-mn.org/garlicfest."
Ieta Lott:
"No, I mean about the end of time!"
Prof. Lott:
"Maybe yes, maybe no. Either way, it's a good excuse for a festival."
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MN Garlic Festival
August 16, 2008
10:00 a.m - 7:00 p.m.
Wright County Fairgrounds, Howard Lake, MN
(320) 543-3394
www.sfa-mn.org
jerry@marienne.com
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