The Ludibund Ledger of the MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
November 2014 Edition
Here are the breaking stories:
FESTIVAL REDECAPITATION (footnote 1)
If you missed the 9th Annual MN Garlic Festival, you missed the best yet. Allow us to adumbrate a few of the adumbratable notables:
We had an Emmy Award-winning chef demonstrating what it takes to be a chef and win an Emmy, the Great Scape Cafe bounded beyond the bounds of gastronomical goodness, and our new Garlic Ice Cream Creamery scooped sweet and pungent scoops until their arms ached.
And did you see the pictures that Minnesota Public Radio News’ photographer, Jennifer Simonson, took?http://www.mprnews.org/story/2014/08/10/garlicfestival2014
(One has to wonder why a radio show has a photographer, but, that aside, these pictures are great!)
Lucid and Harriet breweries served brews, Morgan Creek and Crow River Wineries served wines, and Sociable Ciderwerks served cider.
Entertainers entertained with delightful entertainment. One of the highlights was during the Rogue Runway Fashion Show, when the Goth Garlic Gals, a pair of patibulary yet likable ladies whose fashion sense included colors ranging from black to more black, rendered their rendition of “Gold Dust Woman”, proving that this classic rock song, originally performed by Stevie Nicks with Fleetwood Mac, actually has lyrics, even though Ms. Nicks obviously was unaware of that:
Stevie Nicks: “Roggon, go dus woma, tay yuh sivver spo and di yuh gray.”
Garlic Goth Girls: “Rock on, gold dust woman, take your silver spoon and dig your grave”
That alone was worth the $5 admission price.
Speaking of $$$, proceeds from the Garlic Festival are used to promote education on sustainable farming, local foods, and environmental stewardship. One of those projects is the upcoming Crow River Sustainable Farming ANNUAL MEETING, which they’re calling “Local Foods, the Journey Continues.” An event like this would normally require a registration fee of $40-60, but with the help of Garlic Festival funds, you can attend this one for only $10.
It’s Saturday, January 31st, in Buffalo, MN. More on the website:
NOT the SECOND SATURDAY
Do you remember that Mars explorer that crashed because some otherwise erudite people mixed up metric and imperial measurements?(2)(3) Well something similar has happened over at Garlic Festival Management: they’ve spent millions over the past nine years on the “Always The Second Saturday in August” ad campaign, but now they’ve announced that in 2015 it will be August 15th. When Stinky News’s best investigative reporter, Jimmy Kent-Lane, confronted the Festival Director with the fact that August 15th was the THIRD Saturday in August, his response was, “Hey, we’re thinking about adding a pig roast this year! Great fun for everyone! Well, except for the pig.”
Kent-Lane finally got the straight story by tracking down McLeod County Fairgrounds Manager and Festival Promenade Grand Marshall, Randy Starke, who is about as easy to catch as a greased ice cube isn’t (reports that he was seen standing still were unfounded). His explanation seemed so implausible that we figured no one would believe it, so we made up two additional ones, and you get to guess which is true.
“Always the Second Saturday in August” is an abbreviation of the actual policy:
“The festival shall be the second Saturday after the original date for the gaelic festival of Lughnasa”.
The reasoning was that it always takes about two weeks to recover from any Irish Festival. So, if August 1st is a Saturday, then the second Saturday AFTER that would be the 15th. The ad agency that bilked those millions out of the festival coffers convinced them that no one would remember “The second Saturday after Lughnasa”, so they published it as “Second Saturday in August” since, so they said to themselves, “This stinker won’t last long enough for it to matter anyway.”
It’s all because of Julius Caesar. He is credited with creating the Julian Calendar – more or less the same one we use now – which is about as good a way to divide up the year as asking a domestic cat to organize your appointment calendar. According to the Garlic Festival’s Schedule Manager, Cal N. Duhr, there is a specific formula for determining the festival date.
Says Mr. Duhr:
“The Garlic Festival shall be the Saturday before the McLeod County Fair begins, which is on a Wednesday.
The Mcleod County Fair shall end on the Sunday just prior to the beginning of the Minnesota State Fair, which is, officially, ’12 days of fun ending on Labor day’.
The date for Labor Day was set by congress in 1882 as the first Monday in September.
In 2015, Labor Day is September 7th, ergo, the Garlic fest is the 15th.
So, you see, every seven years, Garlic Fest will be on the third Saturday.”
When our intrepid reporter asked Mr. Duhr how this would be effected by leap year, his response was:
“Oh. Hadn’t thought about that. Crap.”
Festival management just couldn’t handle the competition any longer. Twine Ball Days — that weekend is all yours next year! (4)
Believe it or not, #2 is the furthest from being a complete fabrication.
FASCINATING GARLIC TIDBIT
The Stinking Rose is a restaurant in San Francisco which uses garlic in every dish – 3,000 pounds a month of it – and has a garlic braid draped across the ceiling that is 831 feet long. It also has vacant commercial real estate on all sides. Their motto is that they season the garlic with food.
All we can say is “road trip.”
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 15, 2015
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
(1) Several of the English majors here at Stinky News World Headquarters pointed out to the author of this article, whose name we can’t reveal because she’s currently in the Meeker County Witness Protection Program due to an incident involving an attempt to actually touch the Darwin Twine Ball (see footnote 4), that “redecapitation” is not a word in the English language, or any other language for that matter, and that the proper word is “recapitulation”. The author replied in a dimly lit video from an undisclosed location with a disguised voice, “Redecapitation: to remove the head a second time, as in when one cuts of the head off of a garlic plant and then severs the cloves from it. There were a whole lot of garlic heads redecapitated at the festival this year”.
(2) The Mars Climate Orbiter. “On September 23, 1999, communication with the spacecraft was lost as the spacecraft went into orbital insertion, due to ground-based computer software which produced output in non-SI units of pound-seconds (lbf×s) instead of the metric units of newton-seconds (N×s) specified in the contract between NASA and Lockheed.”
(3) Actual imagined NASA recording:
NASA Mission Control:
“Mars Climate Orbiter approaching specified orbit at 30 kilometers above the surface in 10, 9. . .”
“Uh, repeat that mission control”
“6, 5. . .”
“Did you say kilometers?”
“3, 2, (splat)”
(4) According to Wikipedia, Darwin’s twine ball “is currently housed in an enclosed gazebo across from the town park on Main Street to prevent the public from touching it.” So, is this a public health thing? Like a quarantine?