The Grandiloquent Bi-Whenever* Newsletter of MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
- GARLIC FESTIVAL SHUTS DOWN THE INTERNET
(Attention Festival Vendors!)
- THE BIGGEST THING EVER
- WHY THE TWINE BALL FESTIVAL IS BETTER THAN GARLIC FEST
- GARLIC SMUGGLING IN NORWAY
GARLIC FESTIVAL SHUTS DOWN THE INTERNET
Attention Garlic Fest VENDORS: Festival Management has announced that there will be no online vendor application this year. They say you can put your credit cards away, get out your checkbooks, and download the printable form at: https://www.sfa-mn.org/vendor-application/.
When we sent a Stinky News reporter over to the Garlic Festival Operations Office to find out just what the heck was going on, we confronted Festival Management with the accusation leveled by the Head of the Garlic Festival Vendors Union that the Garlic Festival Management are “Befuddled Eccentric Dimwits Who Eschew Technology.” Management’s reply was, “Shucks, we’re sorry.” When pressed further, they admitted, “Well, we probably ARE a bunch of B.E.D.W.E.T’s; but we really tried to make this online thing work. Then our brains exploded, so we gave up.”
THE BIGGEST THING EVER
Astronomers recently discovered the largest thing in the universe that isn’t actually the universe, and in a fit of understatement called it the Large Quasar Group. That’s like calling congress “a bit of a mess.” Unable to contain themselves, the astronomers ran across the hall to the astrophysicists, crying, “Ooo! Ooo! Look what we found!” The astrophysicists – commonly referred to in the pro science world as Assfizzies – were totally jealous that they hadn’t seen it first, and more than a little peeved, because they had written up this whole set of rules that says just how big the biggest thing could actually be within the confines of this universe and a couple of other ones; but the Large Quasar Group (LQG) tipped the proverbial bathroom scales by a few million light years.
The LQG, which can be seen with the naked eye if you’re on Betelgeuse by looking roughly in the direction of the sky, is actually four billion light years across. A billion is a number with only slightly fewer zeros than a mid-season Twins box score. And it’s only 9 billion light years away, so if it wanted to, it could take two steps and a skip and kick our butt.
For comparison, if the Earth was a garlic bulb (the ancient Allicians thought it was, and also believed that time would end in 2014 in a cataclysmic apocalypse called “The Press” . . . you know, “cataclysmic apocalypse” is a bit redundant, isn’t it? I mean, who ever heard of a piddling apocalypse?), so if, figuratively speaking, the Earth was the size of a garlic bulb, our solar system would the size of the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota. This is known as String Theory. By comparison, the LQG would be the size of almost everything else.
So, according to current science, the LQG is too big to exist, so most Assfizzies have chosen to ignore it and hope it goes away.
WHY THE TWINE BALL FESTIVAL IS BETTER THAN GARLIC FEST
Our little sister event**, The Twine Ball Festival (TBF), is on the same day as Minnesota Garlic Festival (MGF), and we want everyone to know just how highly we think of their little shindig: here is the Top 10 List of the ways that TBF is better than MGF.
10) TBF has a listing on TripAdvisor.com; MGF does not.
9) According to TripAdvisor. com, the Twine Ball Museum is the #1 attraction in Darwin, MN. (They only list one attraction in Darwin.); however, MGF is not the only attraction in Hutchinson.
8) TripAdvisor.com gave TBF four out of five “owl eyes” on their rating scale, with one review reporting “It’s a hoot, but once is enough”, and another breathlessly recounts that not only can you see the twine ball (you can’t touch it) you can also sign the guest book! Another touted the “barren landscapes and wind-swept roads” of the surrounding area. MGF has no such reviews.
7) TBF is in a town named Darwin, which is redolent of science, intellect and lower primates; while MGF is in a town named Hutchinson, which just sounds kind of normal.
6) The Twine Ball has a Wikipedia listing, MGF does not.
5) MGF has to resort to a tacky website to try to convince people to come; TBF doesn’t need one.
4) MGF only offers MN Wines and craft beers; Darwin (a town of 350) has two bars, both of which have at least four types of light beer.
C) TBF has one really big ball; while MGF has little balls (bocce).
3) TBF has supporters that will say such grandiose things as, “We don’t have much of a town left, but the twine ball really draws ’em in”; whereas MGF just has a director that says things like, “It’s the most fun you can have and go home smelling really different”.
2) TBF has a tractor pull with riding lawnmowers; MGF is jealous because we wish we’d thought of that instead of bowling with vegetables.
And the Number One reason that The Twine Ball Festival is better than MN Garlic Festival . . .
GARLIC SMUGGLING IN NORWAY
Two British guys smuggled 1.2 tons of garlic from China into Norway. Why? So that they could drive it across the border to Sweden. Why? So that they wouldn’t have to pay $1.3 million in tariffs.
And we thought that Scandinavians didn’t like garlic!
For a perspective on just how big 1.2 tons of garlic is, we’ve turned to Garlic Grower, Chris Kudrna, who holds a BA from Macalester College, where he graduated magna cum laude, and an MBA at the University of Chicago with an emphasis in Finance and String Theory – – so he should know better.
Said Kudrna, “Imagine that 1.2 tons of garlic is the Large Quasar Group . . .” Then our brains exploded.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 10, 2013
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
* In our constant search to find examples of other publications that are more dysfunctional than we are, we give you GQ, which stands for Gentleman’s Quarterly. It’s published 12 times a year.
** It’s quite likely that they don’t know they are our sister event, probably because we keep forgetting to tell them.