The Garrulous Gazette for Gormandizing Gourmands [footnote 1] of the
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
It’s the annual “True Colors” issue! We have received hundreds of comments in the past that our readers have difficulty distinguishing the factual parts of The Stinky News from the made-up bits. So, this edition is color-coded for your convenience and edification.
Here’s the KEY:
Purple = True & Factual
Red = Bald-faced lie
(Blue = links to other websites,but we don’t know if they’re lying.)
- Garlic Fest Makes the List
- Two Chefs Get Beard Awards
- Almost Shakespeare
- Best Way to Gatecrash the Festival
GARLIC FESTIVAL MAKES the LIST
MN Garlic Festival (MGF) once again made the “10 Festivals In Minnesota That Food Lovers Should NOT Miss” list, which puts the festival in the company of such greats as Montgomery Kolacky Days (MKD), Uptown Food Truck Festival (UFTF) and Henderson Sauerkraut Days (HSD).
The list is arranged chronologically, but if you click the “Re-sort by Hipness” button, MN Garlic Festival (MGF) goes to the top.
At the Braham Pie Day (BPD), the Garlic Festival’s Mary Jane Miller has, for several years, been the official Judge: the Pie Assessor Judge And Master Adjudicator (PAJAMA).
We here at Stinky News World Headquarters (SNWH) applaud any event that can get people to stick their faces into a pie without having to resort to throwing it at them (see the picture on the 10FMFLSNM webpage).
We’d just like to point out that Twine Ball Days is not on this list.
TWO CHEFS get BEARD AWARDS
All potential news items to be considered for this publication are first vetted by a group made up of retired fact-checkers, editors, ombudspersons and risk management professionals – the Department of Article Retention and Transcribement (aka The DART Board) – who then vote on whether an article meets our detracting standards. When they received a submission from Sustainable Farming Association’s Communications Coordinator, Jason Walker, claiming that two chefs connected with the festival had won Beard Awards, they grew suspicious.
Said the DART Board:
“Do they think we fell off the garlic truck yesterday? That Raghavan Iyer guy doesn’t even have a beard! Why did he get an award? Now, Paul Berglund sports one of the finest examples of ‘Neatly Trimmed and Sophisticated Beard’ we’ve seen, but best in the midwest? Compared to this guy (link)?”
Then we fired the DART Board.
But . . .
Sustainable Farming Association’s claim that both of these winners of JAMES BEARD awards are “connected to the Garlic Festival” is, indeed, misleading. Yes, Raghavan Iyer has regularly graced the Lakewinds Local Foods Stage with his erudite elucidation on the finer points of Indian cuisine. But Paul Berglund’s “connection” to the festival is tenuous at best. A bit of digging into the labyrinthine nooks and crannies of the Sustainable Farming Association website reveals that Berglund is on the organization’s Board of Directors. However, our chief investigative reporter, Jimmy Kent-Lane, has uncovered that Berglund has actually never set foot on the festival grounds.
So, we challenge Sustainable Farming Association to make this right, and we insist that the Garlic Festival recruit Paul Berglund as a celebrity chef, Finally, we ask all three of our readers to wage an online campaign to hold SFA’s feet to the fire:
Send your demands to SFA’s Jason Walker, and tell him to bring Berglund to the festival! (SFA has set up a special website to handle the influx of messages: click here.)
Sometimes life hands you a bowl of cherries, or in this case, legumes: Garlic Festival is sponsored this year by an organization that wants people to eat more beans. To say that the entire staff here at Stinky News are less than ecstatic would be a gross understatement. 
The Regional Sustainable Development Partnerships is sponsoring the Garlic Fest in exchange for helping to promote RSDP’s program to encourage people to eat more dried beans. There will be free samples of edible beans, cooking demos, and a pyrotechnic show.
Regular readers of The Stinky News know that there are over 100 varieties of garlic grown in the upper midwest, but it is lees than common knowledge that there are almost as many kinds of dried beans that are great for cooking. RSDP will feature some of the locally grown varieties with such colorful names as Crappinnia, Windass, Blowout, and – our staff favorite – Flat-2-Lance.
The ALMOST SHAKESPEARE QUOTE of the MONTH
Since the mid-50’s, Stinky News has run a semi-occasional feature quoting from The Bard – or someone who knew him, drank with him, or to whom he owed money. This one is from “Jack Drum’s Entertainment”, a comedic play written in 1599 by John Marston, who probably met all three of those criteria:
“A man shall not be choak’t with the stench of garlic,
nor be pasted to the barmy jacket of a beer-brewer.”
BEST WAY to GATECRASH the FESTIVAL
Here’s the secret code to get in to the festival for free:
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 13th, 2016
10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Rain or shine
Adults $5, kids under 12 free, parking $1
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association