the alliaceous annal  of MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
(which is August 15th, despite what you might have read)
- Volunteering for Dummies
- Garlic Growers Get-together Gathering
- Garlic Growing Contest
- 2-for-1 Coupons for Dummies
All of us here at Stinky News World Headquarters are in a tizzy. We haven’t been this excited since the Garlic Festival Director announced at the eighth annual festival that he would retire in the next two years, handing over the reigns to a new dictator [1,2] at the tenth annual festival .
We’re so ebullient because…They’re going to roast a whole pig at the Garlic Festival!
Do you know what this means? It means that every pig joke we’ve never been able to sneak into previous editions of Stinky News will be flung out to our hapless readers like so much slop — AND — it’s prime potential for a plethora of alliteration involving the letter “P”, which has propelled our writers into paroxysms of near-paralytic pleasure.
The first Pig Joke is in Footnote 
Under the direction of the preeminent pig-preparer, Thomas Boemer, who actually won a big-time award for this stuff, the cooking team – known as “Porker-Forkers”  – will prepare the pig at a site-to-be-announced somewhere on the festival grounds, probably in the back seat of Greg Reynolds‘ Volvo .
So, Chef Boemer, co-owner of Corner Table and Revival, will actually cook the piquant porker over a spit (funny word, “spit”: we assume that in this context it’s a noun not a salivary verb) for seven hours during festival day, and then the resulting delicacies will be served at 5:00 p.m.
This schedule is intentional – nay, nefarious and devious – on the part of festival management: by roasting the the hog all day upwind of the peregrinating patrons, their evil plan is to get all the pig-craving people so intoxicated by that heavenly smell that they will stick around until 5:00 (one hour before the festival closes) just to get a portion of perfectly prepared pork.
In our next issue, we will further delve into the intricacies of preparing a porcine repast, the myths and lore of porcinity, more porcine jokes, and a concise definition of “porcine.”
VOLUNTEERING for DUMMIES
You’ve seen all those “for dummies,” books out there: “iPhones for Dummies,” “Feng Shui for Dummies,” “How to Publish a Book for Dummies for Dummies” and “Political Correctness for the Intellectually Challenged.” In that same spirit of making ridiculously simple things even easier, the festival’s new Volunteer Coordinator, Connie Carlson, has come up with a Volunteering-for-Dummies webpage.
So now all you wastrels, spalpeens and groakers have no excuse: click the link, volunteer, do it now.
Did we mention the perks? Your generous guerdon will include with a free meal, VIP parking, a 10th Anniversary t-shirt and free admission — if you sign up now.
GARLIC GROWERS GATHERING
There’s going to be a gathering of garlic growers getting together to gab about growing garlic on July 12th up near St. Cloud. It won’t be nearly as much fun as the festival, but if you’re growing garlic, or want to get into it, that’s the place to go and gather and gab about it. They’re not even serving garlic ice cream or roasting a pig, so Stinky News will not be sending a reporter.
Read more at the Festival of Farms website:
GARLIC GROWING CONTEST
Since the mid-50’s, Minnesota Garlic Festival has hosted a competition for garlic growers and offered fabulous prizes to the winners. So, if you grow garlic and are willing to admit it — it doesn’t matter if you’re a farmer or a home gardener — you can enter your bodacious bulbs.
There are awards for largest (measured by circumference ), smallest, and best in show, and there’s even a “Garlic Makeover” division. Great advice appears on the webpage on how to grow the smallest bulbs: garlic grows so well up here that it’s hard to grow small bulbs. Hint: there’s Barry Manilow music involved.
Here’s a great article about them:
2-for-1 Coupons for Dummies
The festival used to do an elaborate obfuscation  about the 2-for-1 ticket coupons, trying to make it appear that you were some sort of VIP or brainiac if you could figure out where the hidden site for downloading them was. It was just silly .
Here’s the link:
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 15, 2015 (no matter what some advertising says)
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Rain or shine
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
 More “Words That Sound Naughty But Aren’t” from the dozens of suggestions that our readership might have remitted in response to the Verbie Awards in the last issue.
 “Dictator” was suggested by spellcheck when we misspelled “director.” We liked it better so we left it.
 It hasn’t escaped our notice that a) this is the 10th annual festival coming up, and d) a new director has not been announced. We’ve sent our ace reporter, Lois Kent-Lane, to investigate.
 An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
“Let’s have a party, Willard,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”
The farmer scratched his head.
“Jeez, Ethel, I don’t see why the pig should be punished for something that happened 50 years ago.” (Submitted by Mary Jane Miller, The Vicar of Viands)
 It’s a little known fact, except to Volvo aficionados, known as “Volvites”, that these vehicles make excellent pressure cookers.
 And it was embarrassing when no one in our investigative reporting or legal departments could figure out that it was a joke: “So…they say it’s a secret site for downloading the coupons, and then they give us this link — it’s a trap!”