all the news about MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
The Surreptitious Product Placement Issue
- Great Scape Menu Leaked
- A Terribly Embarrassing  Retraction
- A River of Ketchup
- Promenade for the People
(We’d like to apologize in advance for the blatant promotional content of this issue. We need to give a certain amount of recognition to all of the Garlic Festival’s sponsors, so we thought we’d get it all out of the way at once. If there were no sponsors – the restaurants, chefs and people who give money, stuff and time to the fest – then there would be no garlic fest. And then what would we write about? Twine Ball Days? We’d have to change the name to “The Stringy News”).
GREAT SCAPE MENU LEAK
A Stinky News Infiltration Department Expert (SNIDE) has infiltrated the Great Scape Cafe Planning Committee (which doesn’t abbreviate to anything funny), and has reported some tasty morsels about the menu they’re putting together. He covertly transmitted the information back to Stinky News World Headquarters using our secret “poetry code”:
Chicken al carbón tostada
grilled with mojo  de ajo  and salsa,
black beans and corn,
plus lettuce and more
All from the cooks down at Tilia.
(AABCBC rhyme scheme, a form known as free-range verse)
Restaurant Alma sings
of Crispy Chicken Wings
glazed In Nam Prik  on sticky rice,
lime, fish sauce, garlic,
and just enough spice.
A TERRIBLY EMBARRASSING RETRACTION
We received emails from all four of our readers pointedly pointing out the point that we screwed up on one point in our last issue.
We printed, in our premiere pig roast article, that Thomas Boemer, who is the progenitor and purveyor the the festival’s new porcine repast, is a co-owner of The Bachelor Farmer and Revival — each of them efficacious eateries on their own right — but this statement was 50% inaccurate (in our defense, that means it was at least 47% accurate, which in the world of parody news is pretty good). As every fastidious foodie in the upper Midwest knows, Chef Boemer is a co-owner of The Corner Table, not The Bachelor Farmer, which is Paul Bergland’s operation, and neither Boemer or Bergland run Restaurant Alma or Brasa, since Alex Roberts has those two well in hand; nor are they decision-makers at Common Roots or Birchwood Cafe, since those are the bailiwicks of Danny Schwartzman and Tracy Singleton respectively; and, of course, neither Boemer nor Bergland, but rather Brown (as in Steven) is the proprietor of Tilia.
We have excoriated and excommunicated the reporter who wrote the original article, and our ombudsman, U. Kant Printhat, under the advisement of our pro pecuniam lawyers at Jambor/Heyman, has placed our Senior Fact Checker, Issa Zatsoe, on administrative leave for not catching the boo-boo.
This issue’s Pig Joke is in footnote .
A RIVER of KETCHUP
Speaking of clever product placement, here’s a chance to watch a master at work. In this live broadcast, The festival’s Chef Wrangler, Mary Jane Miller, managed to sneak in the new Crow River Ketchup, a seriously local condiment that will be available at the festival, and will soon gracing the shelves of such fine establishments as Lakewinds Food Co-op.
Interestingly, this TV segment is titled “Condiment Hacks” which sounds to our jaded ears like what happens when the mustard goes down the wrong way.
PROMENADE for the PEOPLE
A summons from the Garlic Queen Mother (Mater Regina Fetoris), Irene Bender:
“My Garlic People!
Make your experience at the Minnesota Garlic Festival even more fun!
Participate in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade!
We are pulling out all the stops as it will be the 10th Anniversary of the festival. This year’s Grand Marshals are the original Founders of the Fest, who took a peculiarly pragmatic idea, persevered, and now invite all festive people to celebrate this milestone with them.
Anyone can participate in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade!
Fabulous Prizes will be awarded for “Most Peculiar,” “Most Pragmatic” and “Best Promenader”, including soap, lotion and deodorant from Basic Care.
Meet at the Twin Silos at 1:30pm, and the promenade proceeds at precisely 1:37pm. Musicians, current festival coordinators, vendors and sponsors  are especially persuaded to participate in the Peculiar, Pragmatic Promenade.”
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 15, 2015 – regardless of what you may have read elsewhere
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Rain or shine
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
 We promise that we’ll drop the words-that-sound-naughty-but-aren’t thing after this issue. But who could pass up “em-bare-ass-ing” and “ajo”?
A salesperson from Renewal by Anderson was targeting organic farms certified by Nature’s International that looked like they could use some energy efficient, lifetime guaranteed windows, when she knocked on the front door of the Johnson place just west of the twin peaks of Kiester, MN. When Mrs. Johnson opened the front door – with its lovely porch set between flower beds covered in mulch from Creekside Soils – the salesperson said, “Ma’am, I’ve come to to see if you might like to replace your windows.”
“You’ll have to talk to Lars about that,” she replied.
“And where might I find him?”
“He’s out back feeding the pig.”
The salesperson recalled from a Renewing the Countryside workshop that the Johnson farm had received a grant from the North Central SARE program, with support from the Southwest Regional Sustainable Development Project, to study new swine feeding practices, and was interested to see the results.
When she went rounded the corner to the back of the house, she stopped short when she saw the farmer was indeed feeding the pig, but he was holding up a piglet to a crabapple tree and letting it eat the ripe apples straight off the branch.
“Mr. Johnson,” said she, “I saw your pork products at Lakewinds Co-op, and even though I came to sell you some new windows, I have to ask: isn’t that a rather inefficient way to feed a pig?”
The farmer replied, “Inefficient?”
“Well, yes, sir. I mean, doesn’t it take a lot of time?”
“Time?” Mr. Johnson retorted, “What’s time to a pig?” [3} Ms. Miller’s other titles include Maven of Mmmm, Vicar of Viands, Queen of Comestibles, and Television Personality.  Like:
Hutchinson Area Chamber of Commerce and Tourism
Bridge of Harmony
Minnesota Institute for Sustainable Agriculture
and did we mention Lakewinds Food Co-op?