The Piquant Epistle about MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
July 2014 Edition
- No Garlic Ice Cream
- The Fabulous Fourteen
- Garlic Growing Contest
- Lakewinds Loves Garlic
- Rogue Runway Fashion Show & The Stinky News in Contract Dispute
Free admission, a free meal, and a free staff t-shirt (if you don’t already have one)! Plus the joyful satisfaction that comes from knowing that you helped make the festival happen; because, without volunteers, it wouldn’t!
Please contact Volunteer Coordinator, Brigid Borka,
to get signed up.
NO GARLIC ICE CREAM
Garlic Festival management has informed The Stinky News, by way of a hastily scrawled note furtively slipped under the service entrance door at Stinky News World Headquarters, that there will be no garlic ice cream at the festival this year. None. Zilch. Zero.
Our ace investigative reporter, James Lane-Olsen, finally reached someone at the Garlic Festival office (which appears to be an outbuilding on an “almost organic” farm near a suburb of Howard Lake, MN) and questioned a person who asked not to be named.
Here is a transcript of the interview:
James Lane-Olsen: “No garlic ice cream? What the heck. Mr. Ford?”
Unnamed Source: “Well, you know, sometimes this stuff just happens.”
Lane-Olsen: “Aw, c’mon, you can tell me, Jerry.”
Unnamed Source: “Did you know we’re adding apple cider to the Beer & Wine feature this year?”
Lane-Olsen: “You can’t shake me that easy! The people have a right to know: why no garlic ice cream this year?”
Unnamed: “Hey, if you volunteer to work at the festival, you get a t-shirt, a free meal, free admission, and our undying gratitude!”
Lane-Olsen: “Don’t make me go all Freedom-of-Information-Act on you!”
Unnamed: “Speaking of freedom, almost all the entertainment is free! Sure the AirMaxx folks charge a little, and we ask a donation for the kite making & flying, but the Rogue Runway Fashion Show, the Chef Demos, the Ask the Expert Stage and all those musical flash mobs are no-charge.”
Lane-Olsen: “That’s it – you’re gonna hear from the Stinky News Legal Department.”
Unnamed: “Oh yeah? Well Garlic Festival has a lawyer, too, you know. OK, she’s spent the last year dead, but we still have her on retainer, so bring it on, bozo!”
Shortly after this exchange, Lane-Olsen was contacted by another source who called himself Deep Garlic. Deep Garlic demanded cash for inside information on what has now become know as Creamgate, and a meeting was arranged for midnight on the third floor of the parking garage at the Twine Ball Museum in Darwin, MN. Lane-Olsen charged the $29.95 “fee” through a Nigerian website, and drove to Darwin in the wee hours of July 22nd, only to discover that the “parking garage” was two poorly marked spaces on the street in front of the museum.
We’ll keep you informed of further developments.
THE FABULOUS FOURTEEN
The Garlic Festival has giddily announced that they will flocculate fourteen of the finest garlic growers in the region this year, who will be selling the first of their fragrant fare at the festival in but a fortnight’s time. What follows is a fortuitous and fatuous enumeration of the fabulous fourteen, arranged in an artistic and aesthetically aesthetic fashion, intended to encourage the reader to 1) seek out and patronize each of these growers, and C) contemplate the possible sources for some of these unusual farm names:
LIVING SONG FARM, SEVEN SONGS FARM and SEVEN STORY FARM,
HARVEST MOON GARLIC, SUNFRESH FOODS and MERRYWEATHER FARM;
DAKOTA GARLIC, PLUM CREEK GARLIC and HILLSIDE PRAIRIE GARDENS;
REDHAWK GARDENS and HAWK’S BRAIN GARLIC;
LINDEN LARS FARM and GARLICMASTER.COM;
COFFMAN GARLIC & APPLES
Tom Coffman, proprietor of the last farm on the list, assures us that the farm name is not a recommendation for a food combination, but rather a reflection of the fact that the Coffman’s (Coffmen?) raise both garlic and apples (see footnote 1).
For more info and links to growers’ websites: http://www.sfa-mn.org/garlicfest/garlic-growers/
GARLIC GROWING CONTEST
Since the mid-50’s, Garlic Festival has sponsored a passel of contests, competitions and smackdowns, including the Haiku Contest (see Rogue Runway article below), the 2-for-1 Coupon Smackdown, the Twine Ball Contest, and a host of others, all offering the winners fabulous prizes. But the most salubrious of them all is the Garlic Growing Contest. Contest Coordinator, Carol Schmidt, 24, of Pelican Rapids, MN (2), oversees this competition that is open to all gardeners, growers and farmers. Bring out your biggest and smallest (there’s a prize for that, too) bulbs in several varietal categories.
And there’s even a “Garlic Makeover” contest: think of it as the evening gown competition. Dress up your garlic and win fabulous prizes. The Best Garlic Makeover winner will be determined by voting. Anyone may vote. Repeatedly. Votes will cost 25 cents each. The winner will get 10% of the take. Viva democracy!
And when we say fabulous prizes, we mean it: this year’s contest is sponsored by Smude’s Brand Virgin Sunflower Oil (3), a Star Tribune Taste 50 Award winner, and they will be product-placing their Virgin Cold Pressed and Therapeutic Massage Oils (4) as awards for the contest winners.
Get all the rules and regs on the Garlic Growing Contest here: http://www.sfa-mn.org/garlicfest/garlic-contest/.
LAKEWINDS LOVES GARLIC
Garlic Festival has great sponsors (take a look at the festival homepage and be wowed by them all). Sponsor Coordinator, Chris Kudrna, has been trying to convince people that he’s serious about “Naming Rights Sponsorships” for several years (you could see your name on the Kids Stage, Vendor Pavilion, Ask-the-Expert Stage and other venues — imagine it: “The Zaphod Beeblebrox Festival Parking Lot”; it could be you!), and now Lakewinds Food Co-op has taken him up on it. Lakewinds is huge AND local – it’s like having the advantages of a Whole Joe’s Market, but it’s a locally owned co-op that’s fiercely loyal to our region’s farmers and their supporters. And it’s better than Trader Foods.
OK, enough shameless promotion for Lakewinds Co-op, which has a beautifully designed website (http://www.lakewinds.com) and locations in Chanhassen, Richfield and Minnetonka. This year when you come to the festival and head over to the big tent to grab a voluptuous viand at The Great Scape Cafe and take in a cooking demo (5), you’ll see that that space is now called:
“The Lakewinds Local Foods Stage”
Not only did they give the festival gobs of money to support the cause of a strong local foods economy, but their members and employees are coming out in droves to volunteer. When Lakewinds talks about sustainable farming and local foods systems, they mean it.
Full disclosure: The Stinky News is also a “Naming Rights Sponsor”; which is a great segue into the next article.
ROGUE RUNWAY FASHION SHOW and THE STINKY NEWS in CONTRACT DISPUTE
The Stinky News is embroiled in a bitter contract dispute with the Director of the Rogue Runway Fashion Show, Mariénne Kreitlow. We here at Stinky News pooled our pocket change and bought the Naming Rights to said fashion show, but Kreitlow isn’t following through with the terms of the contract. So, we asked our lawyers, Mayer, Daisby, Mehry & Bright (6), if it would be a good idea to whine about our grievances in this publication, and their reply was, “Oh, yeah, that’s a GREAT idea”, and then mumbled something about reducing their client load.
Here are the items that we believe are in breach of the contractual agreement:
– Nepotism: Ms, Kreitlow, the Rogue Runway Fashion Show Director, is the feme covert, spouse and main squeeze of Festival Director, Jerry Ford, and she seems to think this gives her the right to do whatever she darn well pleases. When we confronted Ford on this, he replied, “Did you know that in the same building as the Rogue Runway Fashion show is the Beer, Cider & Wine, the Garlic Growing Contest and the Kite Making area?”
– Kreitlow refuses to use any of our male staff for the “Men in Skirts” segment. “Are you kidding”, says she, “with those legs?”
– She also refuses to honor the clause in the agreement stipulating that the words “Stinky News” appear no fewer than 57 times in the show’s 45-minute script. She claims that since she is a href=”http://opd.mpls.k12.mn.us/cmab_paramount_pcae_pilot”>Minnesota Roster Teaching Artist, she has a valid Artistic License, and, once again, can do whatever she darn well chooses.
– The contract specifically specifies that ALL of the Haiku Contest winners will get to read their winning poems in the Rogue Runway show; Kreitlow insists that only those who actually show up get to read.
– Kreitlow’s claims that she has never seen the contract are implausible: no fewer than one of our staff vaguely remembers having signed it.
Until Ms. Kreitlow comes to her senses and agrees to the terms of our contract, The Stinky News will not promote the Rogue Runway Fashion Show, which is at 2:30 p.m. in the Agribition Building on August 9th, and goes by the tagline, “Inappropriate and Impractical Apparel for Everyday”, and drew a capacity crowd at last year’s festival.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 9, 2014
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
All Weather Event
(1) Did you know that garlic is a lily and apples are roses?
(2) We’re not sure what the “24” means in this context, but it looked nice next to Carol’s name.
(3) Those of you who don’t know Smude’s think we’re making that up, don’t you?
(4) We didn’t make this bit up either, but wish we had.
(5) Late breaking news: Festival Chef Wrangler, Mary Jane Miller, has scored a major coup: she has booked Rhagavan Iyer for a cooking demo; he just won an Emmy Award! More on the cooking demos in our next issue.
(6) That line is a lot funnier in December.