The Stinky News – January 2014

January 2014 Edition


2014 Haiku Contest Winners

From the thousands of entries we should have received for the Garlic Haiku Contest, we have picked the dozen or so winners.  After you read all of them*, the next article has some of the winners from past years, which includes a spiffy one from Abraham Lincoln.

In no particular order, except that the best ones come last, here are the winners:

In the category of “Most Gratuitous Inclusion of an Vampire,” the winner is Jane Jewett with:

odiferous bulb
vampire repelling allium
tasty to consume

In the “Vice and Vices” category the winners are:

Tim Reese:

Garlic of the Earth
With an air of stinky mirth
Incites farmers to party

And Adam Wilke:

Garlic me to health
Old Russian Penicillin
Chase it with vodka

In the “Not At All Clear on the Concept” category, the winner is once again Adam Wilke (we think this was supposed to be a limerick, but was obviously written as Mr. Wilke conducted research on the previous haiku):

Garlic this time of year is kept in the medicine cabinet,
and every morning I brush my teeth with a handful of it.
    Sometimes people look at me weird,
    like do I have something in my beard?
I happen to think garlic breath is affectionate.

The “In Support of Superstition” category winner is Zoe Eckblad:

Pungent garlic bulb
A gem of health and pleasure
No evil may come.

Sharing the spotlight in the “Au Natural” category are:

Zola Hardwick:

garlic aromatic
pulled at peak from local soil
warms me in winter

Adam Wilke:

Dreams of warm summer
Underneath blankets of snow
Garlic babies wait

And Jennifer Ronnenberg:

Green shoots arising
Through the deep, white, snowy ground-
A new promise awakes

In the “Attitude” category, Selket Jewett wins with:

despite the fact that
i like garlic-stuffed olives
am not garlic nerd

And the “Best Stinking Haiku”, because it’s tactile and sensual and we like that kind of stuff here at Stinky News, is

by Jennifer Ronnenberg:

So soft to the touch
From tender beginnings come-
Dreams are bound to grow 

Mariénne Kreitlow wins the purely honorary Conjugal Conjugation prize with:

No garlic, no purpose,
No saucy stew worth stirring;
guacamole dies.

All of these winners will receive the aforementioned prize of free admission to the festival on August 9th, and the opportunity to read their work during the Rogue Runway Fashion Show – IF they contact the Stinky News Prize Confirmation Department at gro.n1441160559m-afs1441160559@yrre1441160559j1441160559 by July 15th, 2014, and confirm that they are coming.

Famous Garlic Haiku Writers of the Past

William Shakespeare:

Eatest thou garlic?
Keep only like company;  
foreswear all others.

Abraham Lincoln:

Four score and seven 
cloves from this, a new nation,
conceived from the bulb.

The Old Testament, Book of Numbers, 16:3:

Remember the fish
 we ate in Egypt, melon,
onions and garlic.

Walt Whitman:

I sIng of garlic!
The bulb and clove are perfect,
smell odiferous!

Robert Frost:

Whose garlic this is
I think I know, but he’s here;
The bulb not taken.

We have also invited these writers to participate in the 2014 festival – IF they contact the Stinky News Prize Confirmation Department at gro.n1441160559m-afs1441160559@yrre1441160559j1441160559 by July 15th, 2014.

And Now for Something Completely Different

MN Garlic festival is seeking a Volunteer Coordinator**.

– Great organization skills;
– proficient in spreadsheets and Google docs;
– available for the day of the festival (August 9th, 2014), otherwise works from home;
– starts May, 2014.

– This is a volunteer position;
– works with a team of 25-30 dedicated festival organizers;
– perks include the complimentary Festival Coordinators Party in May.

Please contact Festival Director, Jerry Ford, 763-244-6659, gro.n1441160559m-afs1441160559@yrre1441160559j1441160559.

9th Annual
Saturday, August 9, 2014
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
All Weather Event

*One of the nicest things about haikus is that they take about 2.3 seconds to read, as opposed to a poem like The Iliad, which takes about 2.3 lifetimes to read.
** Really.
Addendum: Did you notice that the top three lines of this issue are a haiku, too?