The Stinky News – Final Edition 2013

The Recondite Newsletter of MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Final Edition 2013
(an all weather event!)



We’ve always said that the Garlic Festival is the most fun you can have and come out smelling really different at the end of the day, and now we’ve turned all that fun into a contest.  What follows is a checklist of all the things you can experience at this year’s festival.  If you can accomplish all of them, you will win the prize of a FREE 2-for-1 Coupon for next year’s festival.

– Whoop it up at The Garlic Lovers Ball at Crow River Winery on Friday night, August 9th.
– Volunteer to help out, get in free, get a bright red (only staff get these) t-shirt, get a free meal.
– Download, print and remember to bring a 2-for-1 ticket coupon.
– Drive, bike or teleport to Hutchinson without getting lost.
– Take in the Opening Ceremony  “Throwing Out the First Bulb”, at 9:50 a.m., with the Water Carnival Royalty,  the Mayor of Hutchinson,  the Garlic Queen, and a whole village of idiots.
– Enter some garlic you grew in the Garlic Growing Contest* and win fabulous prizes.
– Get brunch at The Great Scape Cafe.
– Be entertained by folk, Mexican, Scottish and Japanese music.
– Get flashed.
– Watch a trunk show.
– Marvel at the absurdity of the Rogue Runway Show.
– Take in hours of Chef Demos at The Local Foods Stage and get fabulous prizes during the “Taste Time” segments.
– Buy the Official Garlic Festival Cookbook and a festival poster.
– Enjoy three glasses of Minnesota wine or craft beer, and take the glass home with you.
– Join in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade and win fabulous prizes.
– Bring your kid, or just act like one, at one of our Kids Creativity Workshops.
– Get lunch at The Great Scape Cafe.
– Enter the Funistrada Recipe Contest and win fabulous prizes.
– Enter the Warners’ Stellian Gas Grill Giveaway and win a fabulous prize (can you guess what it is?), but you must be present to win.
– Eat garlic ice cream.
– Complete the Scavenger Hunt and win fabulous prizes (pick up your map at the Information booth).
– Sign up for a free Crow River Sustainable Farming membership at the Information Booth.
– Vote for your favorite pimped-out garlic at the Garlic Growing Contest — bribes accepted.
– Thank the 4H folks for helping us be Zero Waste.
– Go fly a kite.
– Buy a year’s worth of garlic from our Garlic Growers.
– At the Ask the Expert sessions, learn about garlic, herbal medicine, garlic, cover crops, local foods, garlic and bumblebees; and there will be stuff about garlic as well.
– Patronize our 80+ hand-selected vendors.
– Get supper at The Great Scape Cafe.
– See the cute alpacas.
– Go home, take a short break, then download your free 2-for-1 coupon for the 9th Annual Festival in 2014.


Everyone knows that The Stinky News has never shied away from airing the Garlic Festival’s dirty laundry.  Well, they’ve gone and bungled it again.  They had assumed that Elizabeth Ries, KTSP-TV’s host of “Twin Cities Live,” would return to co-host the Local Foods Chef Demo Stage, but when they finally got around to asking her, she replied, “I think I’d rather get married than go to the Garlic Festival again.”

So she won’t be there, even though we announced in our July issue that she would be.  Embarrassing for us — we have to print a retraction and process all those cancelled subscriptions; but how does the Garlic Festival management handle it?

They’re going to put a life-size, flattened, cut-out picture of Ms. Ries on stage.  Really.  And they’re planning to talk with it just like she was there, give it food samples, ask its opinion.  So don’t be fooled by this two-dimensional ruse.

Fortunately, there’s a star-studded roster of celebrity chefs that should go a long way toward making up for this oversight.  Here’s the schedule they sent us:

10:30 David Dahmes, Tilia
11:00 “TASTE TIME” with Elizabeth Ries’ picture
11:30 Raghavan Iyer
12:00 “TASTE TIME” – Elizabeth Ries’ cut-out gives away some prizes
12:30 Marshall Paulsen, Birchwood Cafe
1:00 “TASTE TIME” – one-on-one with Elizabeth Ries image
2:30 Thomas Boemer, Corner Table
3:30 Matt Sprague, Restaurant Alma
4:00 “TASTE TIME” – Elizabeth Ries poster interview with Mary Jane Miller
4:30 Lucia’s Restaurant & Wine Bar
5:00 “TASTE TIME” – Get your picture taken with Elizabeth Ries’ picture
5:15 Carl Blanz, Three Crows
5:50 Warner’s Stellian Gas Grill Give-Away – Must be present to Win!
6:00 Elizabeth Ries cut-out gets recycled as part of the Zero Waste program.


The Garlic Festival never publishes the menu for The Great Scape Cafe, the world’s best ephemeral restaurant, in advance.  It’s kind of  a publicity ploy: “the secret menu.”  But now The Stinky News has obtained a copy through the Freedom of Indigestion Act.  Here’s a verbatim quote from an email by Greg Reynolds, Great Scape manager, to his cadre of chefs, that our News Scoops Administration (NSA) obtained through monitoring personal emails:

“Menu we discussed, prices for each item, and restaurants responsible for preparation and execution is listed as follows:
Tilia: Sorta-jerked Chicken $7
Three Crows Cafe:  Veg & Chevre Sandwich $7
Common Roots: Roasted Garlic (with toast?) $3, Veg Burger $7
Alma: Prime Rib Sandwich Plate $10.50, Lemonade $3
Mike Phillips: Sausage (with bun) $7
Phillip Becht:  Condiment Table, Mustard, Ketchup, Pickled Cukes, Pickled Peppers
Birchwood Cafe: Grilled Corn with Garlic Lime Butter $3, Heirloom Tomato Plate $6 (with basil, balsamic reduction, garlic honey vinaigrette, cracked pepper & fancy salt), Ice T $3, Iced Coffee $3
Lucia’s: Potato Salad $5
Corner Table:  Hush Puppies (with garlic sauce?) $5″

Can’t wait to try them Hush Puppies, y’all!


In the mid-50’s, AM-950 Radio, “The Progressive Voice of Minnesota,” interviewed Greg Reynolds just before Garlic Festival.  Obviously, there’s been a full changeover in management since then, because they’re doing it again.  Festival Chef Wrangler**, Mary Jane Miller, and Head Bulb, Jerry Ford, will be guests on the Food Freedom Radio program on Saturday, August 3rd, form 8:00 – 9:00 a.m., with Laura Hedlund.

Starting at about 7:00 a.m. that Saturday, call all your friends and tell them to tune in.  They’ll thank you for it.


This one is from one of our favorite publications, News of the Weird (“Proof that true stories are weirder than made-up stories.”):

“Energy West, the natural gas supplier in Great Falls, Mont., had tried recently to raise awareness of leaks by distributing scratch-and-sniff cards to residents, demonstrating gas’s distinctive, rotten-egg smell. In May, workers cast aside several cartons of leftover cards, which were hauled off and disposed of by crushing — which released the scent and produced a massive blanket of odor over downtown Great Falls, resulting in a flurry of panicked calls to firefighters about gas leaks.”

We’ll just have to hope that something similar doesn’t happen in Hutchinson on August 10th.

8th Annual
Saturday, August 10, 2013
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
$5 adults, $3 kids, free babies, $1 parking
No Pets Please

* We realize that the syntax of that sentence makes it sound like you will be crawling inside some garlic that you grew during the contest, but it’s a week before the festival, and we’re too busy to change it.
** Maven of Mmmm, Vicar of Viands, Queen of Comestibles, etc. etc. and Celebrity Judge at Braham Pie Day.