the ALTERNATE TRUTH [footnote 5] about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
February 30th 2017 Edition
- VENDORS: BE a SELLOUT at GARLIC FEST
- TWINE-BALL FESTIVAL WEBSITE LAUNCHES
- A PEACEFUL TRANSFER of POWER
- WHEN PIGS FLY
- GOT a MATCH?
VENDORS: BE a SELLOUT at GARLIC FEST
As usual, last year’s Garlic Festival was fraught with scandal and skullduggery, with the vendors – who were vending everything from ambergris to Zemo garlic – bearing the worst of it. It was a series of unfortunate events, starting with the fairgrounds being flooded the day before the festival, putting the Set Up Completion Krewe 23.5 hours behind schedule. This meant that SUCK had to “prioritize their workflow to maximize there output” (in other words, “scramble”), which resulted in them forgetting to put up the big signs that let everybody know that that big building with all the vendors in it had vendors in it, and a lot fewer people went in it.
To add insult to injury, while nobody was looking, the garlic growers realized that there was a half-empty building across the grounds, and snuck off to set up there, taking the garlic ice cream company with them.
But the festival’s Vendor Coordinator, Harry Tuston, now says, “That ain’t gonna happen again, not on my watch! The big signs will be up, the garlic ice cream will be back in the Vendor Building, and the long-range forecast says no floods in August. The Vendors will make a killing!”
So, get your vendor forms in right away. Download them here:
TWINE-BALL FESTIVAL WEBSITE LAUNCHES
Our regular readers know that MN Garlic Fest has had a strange and wonderful relationship with The Twine Ball Festival (they’re strange and Garlic Fest is wonderful) since the mid-50’s; a relationship that, like most, has had it’s ups and downs (Garlic Fest is up, Twine Ball Festival is down). In reality, the only thing the two festivals have in common is they occur on the same day. Which really irks us here at The Stinky News.
Now, there’s a new development in this ongoing kerfuffle: shortly after the 2016 Garlic Fest, an unnamed source contacted the Twine Ball Remediation Department here at Stinky News World Headquarters and offered us a new web domain name. It came complete with all the necessary login information, and the bill was paid in full.
We now own DarwinTwineBall.org.
Once the squealing, high-fiving and general roistering subsided, The Twine Ball Remediation Department set to building the most unctuous, flatulent [footnote 1] and faux-pangyrical website they could devise.
Our pro bono attorney  made us put in one of those terms-of-service things that you have to click — just do it and check out the site: www.darwintwineball.org.
A PEACEFUL TRANSFER of POWER
As difficult as it may be in the 21st century to believe that a respectable and time-honored institution would intentionally select someone who is completely unqualified and incompetent as its leader, Sustainable Farming Association, the parent organization of the Garlic Festival, chose the the festival director, Jerry Ford, to succeed the previous SFA Executive Director upon his untimely departure from this world.
Let’s be clear about this: the board of directors of Sustainable Farming Association, the 439th most powerful nonprofit organization in Minnesota, elected the Garlic Festival Director to be the Interim Executive Director. This is the man who regularly says things like, “Whoa, hey! How about them chevs  demonstrating at the festival? Dude!”. Yeah, that guy was put in charge, given a credit card and access to the bank account, and, as he put it, “The people have given me a mandrake to sail this wagon into the last century, and I’m the only one who can do it!”
In the age-old tradition of immanent journalists interviewing heads of state, the Editor-in-Chief of The Stinky News, Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III, sat down with Director Ford. Here’s one of the few comprehensible portions of the transcript.
Beauregard T. Ponce de Leon III: “Mr. Ford, did you enjoy your tenure as Interim Executive Director of Sustainable Farming Association?”
Director Ford: “Yeah, it was kinda cool, you know, being the Interminable Director of FSA. But I thought “Interminable” meant, like, forever, right?
Beauregard III: That’s “eternal”. And it was Interim.
Ford: “Oh sure, that explains a lot, ’cause doesn’t Intern mean, like, you know, you’re only there for a while and they don’t pay you much?”
Beauregard III: “No, Interim means . . .”
Ford: “And you get the bogus jobs no one else wants, like all that stuff with numbers and meetings and stuff? Dude, I thought I’d be, like, signing things and making personal appearances. But, freakin’ no, man! And then, on my last day – which was a lot sooner than I thought they said it would be – they gave me an award that said I was “The Epitome of the Peter Principle” – I’m pretty proud of that one, you know, and I was the only man who could do it – and kept saying I was the I.E.D.”
Beauregard: “Yes, that means INTERIM Executive Director, and INTERIM means . . .”
Ford: “So, doesn’t I.E.D. stand for Improvised Explosive Device? Like, I’m gonna blow up?”
Beauregard: “One can only hope.”
Speaking of blowing up . . .
WHEN PIGS FLY
In the final preparations for this year’s festival, the SUCK people (Set Up Completion Krewe) faced almost insurmountable challenges, but came up with creative solutions, mostly. As mentioned above, the fairgrounds were flooded, but the SUCKers cleverly cordoned off the inundated areas and made it look intentional. Some of the customers were even heard to say, “Why, Esmerelda! Look at that cute pond! Was that here last year?” No one was the wiser.
Then a biker gang set up camp in the north parking lot, which is where the kite flying normally happens. The fairgrounds staff said, “They rented the track inside the grandstand for their right-of-manhood ritual, but that’s completely flooded, so we put them here. Is that OK?” The SUCK coordinator, Carl Connieson, replied, “Sure, we’ll just tell the festival-goers that it’s part of the entertainment, like a zoo.” No one was the wiser.
Then it was discovered that Google Maps was telling everyone that the main entrance to the festival was a hole in the fence on the wrong side of the grounds, and that admission was free. So the SUCK team did a rapid deployment of an auxiliary admissions gate, Carl Connieson even stuck his mom out there to run it – nobody messes with Carl’s mom, not even the bikers – and no one was the wiser. (Read about Carl’s mom here.)
But the coup de gras came a half-hour before the festival opened. Chef Goré Hoozeman of the restaurant, Burly Stewing, had been working on the pig roast all night, along with his crew of Porkers (which is what they call themselves). The Pig Roast is a major feature of the festival, with the idea that the hog has been cooking for 24 hours under the chef’s expert supervision, and then would be served, with great pomp and ceremony, late on the festival day.
At 9:28 a.m., Chef Hoozeman was heard to say, “I wonder what would happen if we sprinkled on some of this?”
And then the pig blew up.
Fire extinguishers were discharged. The entire SUCK crew and Porkers descended on the site, but it was too late. The pork had become a porcine projectile, a rotisserie rocket, a hurled hog. Here’s a picture of it sailing over the Hutchinson 3M Plant just moments before it entered orbit.
Chef Goré ran to Carl Connieson and said, “Hey I hear your SUCK team can fix anything!”, and pointed at the spot where half a dozen fire extinguishers were attempting to extinguish the fire. Carl thought a moment, and said, “I got nothin'”.
After a much-needed but short breakdown, Goré called his restaurant, Burly Stewing, where he is the boss of all the chevs, and said, “You know all that pulled pork in the cooler?” By the appointed time, a few hundred pulchritudinous pulled pork sandwiches appeared at the Great Scape Cafe — and no one was the wiser
Carl Connieson declared Chef Goré an honorary SUCKer on the spot.
Speaking of extinguishing . . .
GOT a MATCH?
After summarily dismissing Festival Director, Jerry Ford, as INTERIM Executive Director , Sustainable Farming Association hired a real one. The new E.D. is Theresa Keaveny, and she wasted no time in undoing the damage Ford had done. One of her first acts was a Matching Grant Campaign.
It you like the work that SFA does, including all the behind-the-scenes administrative stuff for Garlic Festival, and want to ensure its financial future, please consider becoming a donor.
Go here. And thanks!
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 12, 2017
10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
No Pets, Please
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
1) In the context, flatulent means “inflated or pretentious in speech or writing”, but we couldn’t resist the double entendre.
2) Why pro bono? Because we couldn’t get an amateur bono.
3) Apparently, he thinks “chevs” is the plural of chef.
4) The conversation went something like this:
Board of Directors: “Go back to the Garlic Festival where you can’t do so much damage.”
Ford: “We’ll see about that!”
5) Most of this publication is fabricated tripe, but these things are facts:
– The fairgrounds were flooded.
– There was a motocross club in the parking lot because the grandstand track was also flooded.
– Festival Director, Jerry Ford, was the Interim Executive Director of Sustainable Farming Association for about 3 months.
– The pig roast did catch fire about 1/2 hour before the festival opened.
– Chef Jorge Guzman did order a whole bunch of pulled pork sandwiches to be delivered from Surly Brewing, and only a few people were the wiser.
– Theresa Keaveny is the new Executive Director of SFA, and she knows what she’s doing.
– Despite persistent rumors, Pink Floyd is not performing at Garlic Fest. This year.