The Panegyrical Encomium of the MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Valentine Edition 2015
The Big Stories:
- VENDOR APPLICATIONS OPEN
- CONSPIRACY THEORY
- ADMISSIONS COORDINATOR NEEDED
- The 10th ANNUAL “WORDS that SOUND NAUGHTY but AREN’T” AWARDS
VENDOR APPLICATIONS OPEN
What better Valentines Day gift than signing up your beloved to be a vendor at the garlic festival? This assumes, of course, that your wife, husband, partner, betrothed, concubine, feme covert, fiancé. conjugal parter, squeeze, babyboy/girl. boy/girlfriend (Footnote 1) or old man/lady wants to be a vendor.
The festival’s doughty Vendor Coordinator, Tarah Huston, says that if you’ve got “products and/or services that are Minnesota based, and have to do with garlic, sustainable farming, vital rural communities, local healthy foods, stewardship of the planet, MN produced art and/or crafts, or the beauty of rural MN”, then maybe she’ll let you in. Maybe.
She gave the nod to 84 applicants in 2014. In the past she’s actually approved vendors who sell gem soles, mushroom coffee, nut butter (see “Naughty Words” below), ornamental kale, herbsicles, truffle oil, neutraceuticals, marsh shooters, ladder golf, slumped jars, and, most notably, garlic ice cream (2) — how weird could your product be compared to that?
Starting on Valentine’s Day, here’s where you get an application:
The Stinky News has come under fire over the years from such reputable publications as The Onion(3) for publishing articles that, they claim, are “the kind of dross that National Enquirer throws in the dumpster”. In our defense, our chief editor responds, “Hey, everyone of our articles is not only apocryphal, they’re certifiably spurious”.
That said, evidence is mounting that Garlic Festival management is a puppet regime: someone else is actually running this baby. Stinky News has found it difficult in the past to believe that the people the festival says are in charge could even manage to walk across their own living rooms without directions, let alone run a festival as fun, festive, fantastic and fabulous as this one. So, who is actually in charge?
Case in point:
The children’s book, “Snoring Beauty”, by Bruce Hale, appeared in our December issue‘s “Garlic Gift Suggestions”. It was recommended by an Extension(4) employee, then it was fast-tracked through the normally rigorous Department of Arduous Regulations To Bring Official Articles to our Readers Department (DARTBOARD). In this book, cleverly tucked away on page 8, we are introduced to “this really cranky fairy named Beebo, who was off hosting a garlic festival”. Could Beebo be the big boss of the MINNESOTA Garlic Festival?
There’s more: our intrepid investigative reporter, Jimmy Lane-Kent, discovered an odd “coincidence”: the Garlic Festival’s Volunteer Coordinator, Brigid Borka, who does a fantastic job managing the 90+ volunteers (one might say she works magic with them) gives her contact email as firstname.lastname@example.org. See? Beebo-RKA! We have our Cytology Department working in the “RKA” part, but consider this: you have to agree that Brigid Borka (aka Beebo?) looks quite elfish.
This investigation, which is being called “The G Files” by some sources, is ongoing.
GARLIC FESTIVAL looking for ADMISSIONS COORDINATOR
Garlic Festival management tells us that they are looking for an Admissions Coordinator. It seems that at the end of the day at the festival in 2014, Dennis Compton, the long-time Admissions Coordinator, just wandered off. The Assistant Admissions Coordinator, Libby Wyrum, says that Compton finished up the day’s work, took one last look around the festival, and said, “Well, that’s that, then; I’m superannuated now” , and started walking in a northwesterly direction.
Stinky News sent its stealthiest sleuths to track him down, but in typical stealthy sleuth fashion they sent us a coded message which the Cryptology Department said decoded as either “he was seen by local farmers in the Scottish Highlands herding cattle”, or “he was seen at his local farm herding Scottish Highland cattle”.(5)
Regardless, it appears that the festival needs a new Admissions Coordinator. If you’re interested, please contact the guy who claims to be the Festival Director (see previous article), Jerry Ford, 763-244-6659, email@example.com.
The perks of this prestigious position are that you don’t get paid, but you get to handle large sums of cash, and you get invited to the sumptuous Coordinators Party thrown by the festival every year at the Crow River Winery.
10th ANNUAL “WORDS that SOUND NAUGHTY but AREN’T”:
The “VERBIE” AWARDS
Editor’s Note: The following passage is rated PG-9. If you don’t like being reminded that commonly used words can sometimes make you think of naughty things; if you don’t want to recall that you were once an awkward preteen who could be sent into uncontrollable giggling by phrases like these; then skip this next bit, even though it’s been approved by the the FCC as “words and/or phrases the can be broadcast on the publicly owned airwaves but we’d rather you didn’t”.
Here are the top 36 nominees, submitted to The Stinky News by our readers, for this year’s Semi-Homonymous Pseudo-Salacious Verbiage Awards, known in the industry as “The Verbies“:
Fecund, fallacy, flagellate, flocculate, masticate.
Penal colony, penalize, peccant, pecuniary, puissant.
Titular, titmouse, Titania, tintinnabulation, tidbit, titter, titillate.
Assimilate, astrolabe, assiduous, Assisi, anything starting with “ass”, Uranus.
Butte, butter, nut butter, puberty.
Conjugate, confabulate, intercostal, intercoastal.
Cuneiform, vulgate, Volvo, linguist.
And, now, ladies and gentlemen, hoydens and hombres, the 10th Annual Verbie Award – submitted by Dr. Will Winter, DVM – goes to:
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 15, 2015
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
(1) Overheard at a recent Burns Night(1.5) Toast to the Laddies: “Here’s to husbands and boyfriends! May they never meet!”
(1.5) January 25th. Look it up.
(2) These items were quoted directly from the vendor list for the 2014 festival.
(3) They still haven’t returned our emails, telegrams and skywriting begging them to become a garlic fest sponsor. Can’t you just see the headline? “Garlic Festival sponsored by The Onion”?
(4) If there was ever a seemingly innocuous organization, it’s Extension. What are they? Government agency? University “outreach”? And they keep changing the name ever so subtly, so you can’t really get a handle on it: Extension Service, University of Minnesota Extension, and, finally, just Extension.
(5) Oddly, the original Admissions Coordinator, Marvin Bihl, also herded cattle after leaving that position.