The Newsletter for those who ♥ MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
St. Valentine’s Day* Edition, 2014
- Sell Stuff at the Garlic Festival
- Garlic and Romance
- Stinky News ♥ Conspiracy Theories
- This Issue Only: A True Story
VENDOR APPLICATIONS NOW BEING ACCEPTED
Here’s your opportunity to get stinking** rich. Do you have a product or service that is:
a) related to garlic,
3) a Minnesota farm product,
D) local arts or crafts,
2) entertaining but with a low environmental impact,
5.7) something someone else might actually want to buy, or
III) good to eat?
Maybe you should be a vendor at the Garlic Festival. Join the 80+ entrepreneurs who do what entrepreneurs do on festival day: make gobs of money, and take the rest of the year off.
Anyone can get in, as long as they meet the rigorous, onerous and prolix requirements of the Vendor Application Rules, and are in alignment with the mission of the festival.***
Get all the information you can stand here:
GARLIC and ROMANCE
(Reader Discretion is Advised: The following article may contain the word “fart”. If you are offended by “fart” or gratuitous references to flatulence, you may want to skip to the next article, since it does not say “fart”.)
In a moment of afflatus, the staff neologist at Stinky News World Headquarters,Célladør Entråncé, while working on this St. Valentine’s Day issue, realized that there was no word in the English language for “a romantic encounter or relationship involving garlic”. So, of course, she made one up:
STINKY NEWS ♥ CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Elton Witt*****, Lockheed Martin Fellow and Staff Rocket Scientist at The Stinky News, has been on assignment with our ongoing work to expose the potential invasion of our planet by the alien race that originally sent garlic to earth as a form of pre-colonization. As we previously reported in our Independence Day 2009 issue, garlic growers are delaying the invasion by cutting off the garlic scapes, which would otherwise act as antennae for communicating with the mothership.
Top secret photos from the Apollo 17 mission in 1972 – which Mr. Witt has been trying to obtain through a Freedom From Disinformation Act appeal – show “a white UFO stationed slightly behind the moon, which bore an odd resemblance to a pair of garlic bulbs with an inter-joining superstructure”, according to an unnamed source. Then the remaining three scheduled Apollo missions were abruptly and unceremoniously cancelled.
Now Mr. Witt has found disturbing evidence that the invasion plans are further along than expected, and – most shockingly – that NASA appears to be complicit. On a recent undercover trip to NASA’s Ames Research Center in California, he was startled to find this:
It seems that not only has it landed, but it’s disguised as a NASA “visitor” center.
Need more proof? Mr. Witt reports that this “facility” is only 40 miles form Gilroy, CA, home of the world’s largest garlic festival (though obviously not the best one) and the greatest concentration of garlic farming in America (though obviously not the best).
A TRUE STORY
And now for something completely different: a true story.
Garlic Festival co-founder, Mariénne Kreitlow, who now serves as the director of the festival’s Rogue Runway Fashion Show, is teaching an after school creativity class for 5th – 8th graders in a local school district. When she showed up for the first session this semester, she wanted to thank the school secretary who helped her make all the arrangements, and gave her a copy of her CD, “Garlic and Other Forces of Nature“, which includes the top four songs ever recorded about garlic. The secretary called in another office worker to see what she’d just received, and the co-worker exclaimed, “You should give this to the people who do the Garlic Festival!”
Full disclosure: Ms. Kreitlow is a majority stockholder in Stinky News International Ltd., the parent company of The Stinky News.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 9, 2014
10 a.m. – 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
All Weather Event
* This is the holiday that commemorates the death of St. Valentine at the hands of Claudius II on February 14, probably in 270 AD. He had tried to convert the emperor to Christianity, who responded by having St. Valentine beaten with clubs, stoned, and, when that didn’t finish him off, beheading him. It appears that the association with love and romance comes from the fact that this priest performed weddings for Christians when he wasn’t supposed to.
** In garlic argot****, all derivations of the word “stink” are to be taken as favorable, greatly to be desired, and in no way oleaginous. Other such contextually complimentary words and phrases include noisome, flatuatory and “of high rank”.
*** In other words, if your products include “I ♥ Monsanto” bumper stickers, Processed Death-on-a-Stick, or Useless Trinkets from China in Unrecyclable Packaging, this may not be your kind of gig.
**** Not to be confused with “garlic ergot”, which, in and of itself, is a phenomenon worthy of another Stinky News article (for now, take a look at Minnesota’s own ergot museum); but in this case, we use the term “argot” to mean, of course, patois.
***** Stinky News suffers from a reputation for hyperbole and spuriousness, but, as we have repeatedly pointed out, Elton Witt is the real deal. Here’s a picture of him at Kennedy Space Center testing flight hardware – he’s the one with the beard net.
Watch for Elton’s upcoming book, “Rocket Science for Dummies” ******
****** OK, that last bit about the book is indeed spurious.