the tautological testament of trumperies about the MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
2016 Christmas Eve “Cat’s Away” Edition
- A Note from Those Who are Not the Editor
- Garlicky Christmas Present Recommendations
- Men Who Eat Garlic Smell Better to Women
- Garlic Festival Giving Away Kids
We, the staff of The Stinky News, are writing this edition without our Editor-in-Cheif, Ichabod Mortimer DeBoss [see footnote 1], We gave him a present after the last Garlic Festival, and sent I. M. DeBoss to the “Greater Georgia Garlic Growers & Gourmands Gathering”, with a special tour package that included a cruise to the event location. What we didn’t tell him is that this is in the country of Georgia, and that the cruise was an oil tanker going there via Xiamen, China.
His last instructions to us were, “And for cripes sake, do NOT publish an issue until I get back!”
He’s still there.
He sent us a postcard (yes, they have internet aboard the Altair Voyager — but we blocked his emails), saying that he had “safely arriven” in Georgia, though he and his wife, Heesa DeBoss, had no idea it would take so long to get there, and that they were having difficulty understanding the Southern accents. He then, true to form, recounted an unforgivably long story of a Men’s Support Group that formed on board the ship among the crew and passengers (see an edited transcript of it in footnote )
Unfortunately, we failed in in our attempts to send our staff ombudsman, U. Kant Printhat, with the editor. He noticed that the cruise tickets were in “some language that resembled Russian”, and he has only agreed to go along with our little scheme if he can sensor some of the things we write: the (socially unacceptable) things we might inflict upon you, our gentle readers.
So, here it is: The Stinky News, almost the way it should be.
Garlicky Christmas Present Recommendations
(Last year our erstwhile editor, who just now called us on a borrowed satellite phone to say that it seems the cruise tickets we gave him were only one-way, wrote a gratuitous list of gift recommendations blatantly based on product placement payments he had received. Here’s our list for this year, and they’re all books, because, well, we’re writers.)
“For the Love of Garlic: the Complete Guide to Garlic Cuisine“ by Victoria Renoux
The best thing about this book is that you can get copies from Amazon for under $3.00. Sure, it’s got the usual array of recipes, like Garlic Potato Cakes (a great name for a band, right?), and Garlic Focaccia ; but the really cool thing about this book is the “Garlic Through the Ages” chapter.
In writing about the ancient Greeks, Renoux recounts the story of King Minos, who may or may not have been the son of Zeus, who had a wife named Pasiphane who really liked (romantic evenings at home) a lot, and who wasn’t too terribly particular with whom or what she (spent romantic evenings at home). When she fell in love with a white bull, Minos built her a wooden cow that she could hide in to (have a romantic evening at home) with the bull. This is how we got minotaurs and sirloin.
“The Book of Garlic” by Lloyd J. Harris
This one you can get on Amazon for a penny. Seriously.
Much of this book is made up, or, as the Chicago Tribune said, “a little crazy”. With chapters on “Japanese Garlic Therapy”, “Alliaversion – Garlic Aversion in Literature”, “The Garlic Martini” and a score of pages dedicated to a totally fictional country somewhere in Eurasia that claims to be “The Land of the Sacred Garlic”, complete with forged documents and other almost-convincing pictures.
It’s all total bunkum, an alliaceous farrago of fallacious tomfoolery, a total fabrication.
And what rankles us most is that we didn’t write it.
“50 Shades of Garlic” by E. L. Jones
We were shocked! We knew that garlic was the “food of love”, but we didn’t know how specific a writer could be about it. Ms. Jones’ book made us blush and almost (become very happy) nearly as many times as did her protagonist, Alliumnia Steele, which seemed to happen every other page.
An organic agriculture student, Alliumnia (“Alli” to all the friends she doesn’t have) goes to interview the young garlic farmer Chris Grey, and encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and has soil under his fingernails. The innocent Alli is startled to realize she wants (to spend quiet evenings at home) with this man and, despite his bachelor farmer reserve, finds she is actually desperate to (have a quiet evening at home) with him. Unable to resist Alli’s quiet beauty, wit, and pesto recipe, Grey admits he wants to (spend a quiet event at home) with her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erratic tastes, Alli hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his perfectly mulched garlic bed, his John Deere tractor, his complete set of Eversharp cutlery—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to (spend quiet evenings at home with his partner tied up and blindfolded). When the couple embarks on a daring, passionate (series of quiet evenings at home), Alli discovers Chris Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires (to spend more quiet evenings at home making pesto) and (become very happy). A lot.
“The Jesus Cow“ a novel by Michael Perry
All of us here at Stinky News World Headquarters are rabid fans of Michael Perry, and he’s also a favorite among the farmer and foodie cohort. Several of his books are semi-autobiographical (“Population 485”, “Truck: A Love Story”), but in this outing, Perry ventures into fiction – though still set in a Wisconsin town whose population struggles to remain in the three-digit range – and he obviously had a lot of fun writing it.
The story revolves around the birth of a new calf on Christmas Eve at a struggling farm on the edge of town, as we discover in the prologue:
“. . . the bachelor Harley Jackson stepped into his barn and beheld there illuminated in the straw a smallish newborn calf upon whose flank was borne the very image of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. ‘Well,” said Harley, “that’s trouble.’ ”
And the story weaves it’s quotidian magic from there. The Jesus Cow is good read on a cold winter night, as are all of Perry’s books.
Men Who Eat Garlic Smell Better to Women
So says a news report aired on a TV station in Greensboro, NC, citing a study done in “Prague” (according to the reporter).
This is good news to all those bachelor garlic growers.
Garlic Festival Giving Away Kids
We received a press release entitled, “Garlic Festival to Give Away Free Kids” from the Admissions Coordinator and Festival Philosopher, Tim “Red” Kirkman, who went on to write,”MN Garlic Festival will no longer charge for kids under 12.”
A quick call to Kirkman cleared up the matter: he missed a typo, and the line should have read, “Garlic Festival to Give Away Free Kids Tickets“. He elaborated that, starting in 2016, all children under the age of 12 will get in free instead of being charged $3.00. Whereas on the surface this may seem like a family-friendly promotional move, it turns out it had more to do with simple math.
It appears that the ticket sellers at the front gate, recruited exclusively from liberal arts programs at the Hutchinson Arts School for the Humanities (HASH), were having trouble figuring the total price for, say, a family of six who presented a 2-for-1 Ticket Coupon: “OK, that’s 2 x $5 plus 4 x $3 minus a 2-for-1 coupon for the lower ticket price . . . oh, sod it , just give me a ten dollar bill and we’ll call it even.”
So, now every ticket that has a price has the price of $5.00. If you’re a kid under 12, or even acting like one, they’ll let you in free. Even a philosophy or art history major should be able to do that math.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 13th, 2016
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Rain or shine
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
 That’s his real name, by the way. He uses a pen name, or “Name De Plum” as he says, when he edits this paper, but it changes with every issue.
“The men’s group flew in a guest motivational speaker, John Iron, who did an inspiring talk on relationships.
‘How many of you men have (romantic evenings at home) with your partners every day?’ said Mr. Iron.
A large number of guys proudly raised their hands.
‘And how many have (romantic evenings at home) at least weekly?’,
More hands raised.
‘Now, how many of you have (romantic evenings at home) about once a month?’
A few timid hands raised.
‘Are there any here who only have (romantic evenings at home) once a year?’
So I jumped up, waved my arms, and shouted, ‘Me! Me!’
‘Why are you so excited?’ asked Mr. Iron, to which I replied,
‘It’s TONIGHT!'”  A word that we’ll add to the 11th Annual Words-That-Sound-Naughty-But-