The Seasoned and Seasonal Sentinel of the MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Garlictide 2014 Edition
- Garlicky Gift Suggestions
- Prominent Organic Activist Speaks Out on Pumpkin Pie Controversy
- The End of the Twine Ball Festival
GARLICKY GIFT SUGGESTIONS
What would Garlictide be without everybody telling you what gifts to buy for everybody else? Here’s our list (footnote 1), along with a song you can get stuck in your head to play in the background:
MERRY GARLICTIDE to YOU, by Mel Wells and Bob Tormé
“Garlic roasting in an open pan,
pungence wafting up your nose,
Garlictide carols being played by a band,
and folks dressed up like unpeeled cloves.
Everybody knows some pesto neath the mistletoe
helps to make the seasoning right.
Tater tots with their crusts all aglow
are glazed in garlic sauce tonight.
They know the Easter Bunny’s on it’s way,
with lots of aioli slathered on a tray.
And Rudolph the half-lit reindeer’s gonna spy
to see if garlic really goes with pumpkin pie.
And so I’m offering this simple phrase
to kids from one to ninety-nine:
Although you’ve made it many times, many ways,
bake with garlic this time.”
Now we’ll draw names for the gift exchange, and you can pick which to inflict on your pick:
“Garlic Gourmand’s Getaway” $2,000
Just for you and a companion, a full 4.5 course meal prepared by Garlic Festival’s Chef Wrangler, Mary Jane Miller, with entertainment by Festival Director, Jerry Ford, who will present a titillating performance of allium classics, including Dickens’ “A Garlic Carol”, Wagner’s “Götterdämmergarlic” (2), and Prince’s “Purple Stripe“.
“The Official Garlic Festival Cookbook” $20
Author Mary Jane Miller has designed and compiled the authoritative text on northern garlic, with recipes from herself, Raghavan Iyer, Joe Hatch-Surisook, Lori Valenziano and others. The format of the book is a ring binder that lays out on the counter nicely, and comes with 25 insert pages of recipes from our first 5 years of chef demos, garlic information, and lore. Each year new pages will be available for purchase or download to customize your own garlic cookbook.
“Garlic & Other Forces of Nature” Download $9.99, CD $15
The top four songs of all time about garlic grace this album of original music by Mariénne Kreitlow that’s just plain fun. You’ll also meet a lovelorn vampire, a cross-dressing cowboy, a Victorian maiden with a love potion, a Vietnamese potbellied pig on steroids, a pondful of frogs, and a chef who cooks with bugs. But wait! You also get 300-year-old garlic medical advice (“It cureth the bitings of mad dogs, and it purgeth worms. . . “)
“Snoring Beauty” by Bruce Hale $14.03 Hardcover
This raucous kids book actually has a fairy named Beebo who doesn’t get invited to the royal daughter’s christening because she “was off hosting a garlic festival” and smells like it. The entire staff here at Stinky News World Headquarters loved it, and both of our writers were heard to mutter, “I wish I’d written that”.
Anything from Basic Care Products
Provider of the Official Soap for MN Garlic Festival since the mid-50’s, Basic Care is a locally owned company that makes great goat milk soaps, stinkstopping deodorant and lotions.
OUTSPOKEN ORGANIC ACTIVIST SPEAKS OUT on the PUMPKIN PIE CONTROVERSY
Prominent organic vegetable grower and local foods movement leader, Greg Reynolds, has time off in the winter, and when he’s not playing with his motorcycle gang action figures, he’s championing causes for environmental and sustainability advocacy groups.
Now that there’s so much partisan bickering between many of these groups in what has become known as “The Pumpkin Pie Fight”, Reynolds has stepped into the midst of the fray, shocking the entire sustainability community: this normally levelheaded moderate, this evangelist of equanimity, so often counted upon to bring all sides together, has taken an extreme stand and won’t hear of compromise.
What follows are quotes from declassified documents, a chain of emails, obtained by Stinky News through a Freedom of Disinformation Act suit. This is an vitriolic exchange that actually occurred(4) between Reynolds and Chef Mary Jane Miller, who has come out in support of the “Everyone Must Eat Pumpkin Pie If They Love the Planet” faction.
Reynolds: “‘Tis the time for pumpkin pie and, really, it sucks.”
Miller: “So you are a pumpkin pie hater, eh. What’s wrong with you?”
Reynolds: “it is always lumpen and dreary. Nobody eats it other than on Thanksgiving. Did Pilgrims even make pie?”
Miller: “Lumpen and dreary! How festive. Michael (Miller, Mary Jane’s husband) wondered if you are putting enough whipped cream on top.”
Reynolds: “I think that pumpkin pie is one of those things like the bitter herbs at Passover – eat this and remember all the people who died last winter.”
Miller: “You’re killing me.”
The END of the TWINE BALL FESTIVAL
Stinky News wishes to announce that we will no longer do “promotional work” for Twine Ball Days (TBD). It turns out that once we started publishing Tongue-In-Cheek Articles (TICA) about TBD, thinking we were being oh so clever, we received telegrams thanking us for it. Messages like, “We’d have never known about TBD if we hadn’t read about it in Stinky News (SN)!”, “We had a blast at TBD in Darwin (DWN) – thanks SN!”, and “It was the best time a person could possibly have in DWN!” Dozens of people stayed away from Minnesota Garlic Festival (MGF) and went to TBD in DWN instead of MGF in Hutchinson (HTHSN). Well, that’s all over now: TBD is SOL, and will have to DIY on advertising FNO. No more Mr. Nice Guy. Besides, MGF won’t be on the same weekend as TBD next year, so what do we care?
Plus our seasonal pro bono lawyers (see footnote 1) told us we should 86 the TICA on TBD or that festival’s management might sue Our Happy Butts (OHB) one day, assuming that there’s actually someone with a pulse managing it (TBD, not OHB).
But just to show that there’s no hard feelings, we will continue to sponsor the Twine Ball Contest, so send them your balls and win Fabulous Prizes (FP)!
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 15, 2015
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
(1) Our seasonal pro bono lawyers (they only give us free advice at Christmas) from the firm of Mayer, Daisby, Mehry & Brite inform us that we must disclose that some of the gift ideas are from companies that may have paid us promotional fees. When we replied, “Who in their right mind would pay to get mentioned in Stinky News?”, their liability specialist, Justin Case, said, “Do you want our free advice or not?”
(3) Translation: “Twilight of the Bulbs”
(4) Really. We can’t make up stuff like this.