a Newsletter about the the augustly augmented MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
The august August Issue
- Unbelievable! They Got the Brass Messengers!
- Budding Farmers & Kids
- Seek the Holy Clove – Medallion Hunt
- The Garlic Growers
- The Pig Joke
Editor’s note: Please remember that the festival is August 15th. Not on (some other date) that we won’t even print because we don’t want to hear, “I saw in The Stinky News it was (that other date)”. An otherwise very respectable publication fubarred and printed (that other date). If you’d like the story about why the festival is the 3rd Saturday this year, go here.
UNBELIEVABLE! THEY GOT the BRASS MESSENGERS!
Article by Beauregard T. Ponce De Leon, Jr., Arts and Classifieds Editor
I am overjoyed to announce that Garlic Festival Entertainment Director, Amelia Neaton, has announced the headliner for entertainment, and it’s a doozy.
In an impresarial feat unmatched in the annals of Garlic Festival entertainment, Ms. Neaton actually managed to book the BRASS MESSENGERS,. We’re talking about The Brass Messengers here! This is like getting the Rolling Stones to play “Pomp & Circumstance” for your kid’s kindergarten graduation!
A festival spermologer has told me that Brass Messengers (a great name for a band if ever there was one, despite the unfortunate abbreviation) will be the finale act in the Peculiar Pragmatic Promenade, right behind the exotic livestock. And in a stroke of genius, Ms. Neaton has decided that the Promenade will culminate in a spontaneous Street Dance with the Brass Messengers providing the music.
Once I get over the shock that they actually got the Brass Messengers, I’ll follow up with an article about the rest of the entertainment. For now, you can see the line-up here:
BUDDING FARMERS & KIDS
In another impressive feat of booking, the festival has managed to get the preeminent organization, Budding Farmers, to direct the kids programming this year. This group teaches kids how to grow, cook and love healthy foods while having more fun than a barrel of baboons bobbing for garlic bulbs.
Read more about it on the Entertainment Page:
SEEK the HOLY CLOVE – MEDALLION HUNT
It was only a matter of time until Garlic Festival organizers caught on to the medallion hunt/geo-caching/treasure seeking craze. Nick Neaton, Keeper of the Holy Clove, and all-round nice guy, has scheduled four “Quests” throughout the day (he’s going with a “Holy Grail” theme), and, according to the festival’s entertainment page, you could “receive fame, fortune, and perhaps a semi-generous fabulous prize maybe.”
You can sign up for the Medallion Hunt during festival day at the Information Booth.
The GARLIC GROWERS
15 in 15! There will be fifteen fabulous garlic growers at the 2015 festival. This year’s crop is promising to be one of the best in several seasons, and you’ll be able to stock up on all your seed garlic, plus enough table garlic to supply your kitchen for the next year.
See the list of growers here:
The PIG JOKE
Once again, in honor of the 1st Annual Thomas Boemer Pig Roast at the 10th Annual Garlic Festival, here is the third in our series of pig jokes. Sorry.
Constance, a Local Roots Food Co-op member, attended a Crow River Sustainable Farming Spring Social, and there met an organic hog farmer, name of Lotta Pocina. In the ensuing conversation, Lotta waxed eloquent about her prize pig. So convincing was her effusive encomium that Constance decided to skip her next Co-op Online Market and visit Lotta’s farm, Hog Heaven.
Upon arriving, Lotta showed Constance her pastured pork rotational grazing permaculture silvo-pasture, and then escorted her to a special paddock where the prize pig wallowed. This, indeed, was the penultimate porker, a haute hog, a swell swine.
“But,” exclaimed Constance, “He only has three legs!”
“Well, yeah,” replied Lotta, “You don’t eat a pig that great all at once!”
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 15, 2015
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Rain or shine
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
 Fortunately, Mr. Leon is a great Arts Editor, otherwise we would have fired him years ago for his work a Classified Editor. We can’t seem to convince him that “Classifieds” means “short, inexpensive ads for things nobody wants” — he’s convinced it means “information available only to authorized personnel”. So, whenever he gets an ad he “classifies” it, and it’s never seen again. Odd thing: no one has ever received a refund:
Disgruntled Subscriber: “Mr. Leon, I don’t see the ad I paid for in this edition of Stinky News – why is that?”
Leon: “That’s classified.”
D.S.: “Right, it’s a classified ad.”
Mr. Leon: “Exactly. I must inform you that this call is being recorded and we know where you live.”
D.S. “I don’t care – I just want to know about my ad.”
Mr. Leon: “If you wish to pursue a Freedom of Information Suit . . .”
And so on.
BRIDGE of DEATH KEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
LANCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I’m not afraid.
KEEPER: What is your name?
LANCELOT: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
KEEPER: What is your quest?
LANCELOT: To seek the Holy Clove.
KEEPER: What is your favorite color?
KEEPER: Right. Off you go.
LANCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.