The Negligibly Inimical Newsletter about
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
The Almost August Issue
Editor’s Note: After our last issue, in which we attempted to satisfy the overwhelming demand to make The Stinky News easier to read (or more likely to be read at all) by converting it to an entirely web-based publication, we received an even more overwhelming backlash to this “dumbing down”. At least twice as many readers complained about the new format than did about the old one, so we’re going back to it, and we hope that both of you Whiny Luddites are happy now.
- Get Locally Laid at Garlic Fest
- Scrambled Food Contest
- Opening Ceremony and Pig Serving Snafu
- Waxing Eloquent about Beer
GET LOCALLY LAID at GARLIC FEST
The Garlic Festival’s directors who produce the “Ask the Expert” feature couldn’t be more pleased with themselves: they managed to get the founders of Locally Laid, a sustainable, local egg company (if you haven’t heard of them, you’ve obviously not been in a food co-op lately). Lucie and Jason Amundsen, the founders of Locally Laid, went through some tumultuous trials and tribulations to get their farm off the ground, and then wrote a highly entertaining book about it (proving the maxim that tragedy + time = comedy).
But the most wonderful thing about all of this, at least to the staff here at Stinky News World Headquarters, whose favorite time of year is when we assemble the annual “Words that Sound Naughty but Aren’t” issue, is that the Amundsen’s got away with calling both the book and the company “Locally Laid”. Not without controversy: Ms. Amundsen felt compelled to write an open letter to a person who complained about their “sexual innuendo in advertising”. You can read that response [footnote 1] here: http://locallylaid.com/open-letter-to-the-man-offended-by-locally-laid/
The presentation at Garlic Fest is a book signing: you can get “Locally Laid” right there and then get Lucie’s and Jason’s autograph, and hear their hilarious and moving talk about their adventures.
SCRAMBLED FOOD CONTEST
The Great Scape Cafe, aka the best ephemeral restaurant in Minnesota, has once again brought in some of the finest and best of the region’s food purveyors. You can read all about it here:
Want to win a free entree at The Great Scape? Enter the Stinky News Puzzler! Unscramble the names of the restaurants and providers whose logos appear on the webpage, and send in your answers (see official rules below).
1) Send your answers to Stinky News’ own Puzzle Master, Shill Wortz, Cross Words Editor the New York Times, by using this email address: email@example.com. Mr. Wortz will pick one entry at random from all those that get it right mostly, or that he finds really clever.
2) Prizes: the winner will receive a coupon for a free entree at The Great Scape Café.
3) Stinky News reserves the right to cheat.
OPENING CEREMONY and PIG SERVING SNAFU
(Editor’s Note: The following editorial is unforgivably long . What you need to know is that, even though it was previously published that the Opening Ceremony had been moved to 10:30 a.m., it is now back to 9:50 a.m.; and the Serving of the Pig Roast, which was previously announced as being at 5:00 p.m., will actually commence at 4:30 p.m.)
Obviously there’s no one in charge over at Garlic Festival Headquarters. A few weeks ago, our Society Pages writer, Solas Tweek, received an official press release from the festival offices saying that the Opening Ceremony would be at 10:30 a.m., and the Pig Roast would be served at 5:00 p.m. Now they have sent a new release saying that the Opening Ceremony will start at 9:50 a.m. and the Pig will be doled out at 4:30 p.m.
A little background: the Garlic Festival Opening Ceremony, in which they “throw out the first bulb” (think baseball), is like the Olympics Opening Ceremony in much the same way that Twine Ball Days is like a real festival. Whereas the momentous moment when they serve the roasted pig – “Piping in the Pig” (think Scottish bagpipers) – is actually pretty cool.
But why the time change on both of these cornerstone events?
To find out, we first made the obligatory call to the Garlic Festival Director, J. Wilton Ford, just so that we could say, “yes, we talked with Mr. Ford”  when we called people who might actually know something.
When we asked garlic grower Stan Key of Stankey Bulbs and Compost – one of the festival’s premiere garlic vendors and funambulists – what he knows about the situation, he said, “Yeah, Director Ford told all of us that he was changing the Opening Ceremony to 10:30, and all us garlic growers told him to (redacted)”. It seems that Ford forgot that 1) the festival starts at 10 a.m., and 2) all the garlic growers are very busy selling garlic by 10:30, and wouldn’t want to participate in “Throwing Out the First Bulb”. Said Stan Key, “He’s a complete ankle-biter with delusions of adequacy”.
So, with no support from the garlic growers, Ford changed the opening ceremony back to 9:50 a.m., just before the official start of the festival day.
As for the “Piping in the Pig” ceremony, Solas Tweek spoke with the festival’s Chef Wrangler, Mary Jane Miller, who responded, “Last year we announced it as starting at 5 p.m. but it was ready at 4:30 so we called in the bagpipers and did it then and nobody minded so we’re just going to do it at 4:30 no matter what that ankle-biting Festival Director says.”
WAXING ELOQUENT about BEER
(Editor’s Note: this next article, sent to us by the Festival Fermentation Fugleman, Mike Lilja, is so unforgivably long that we decided go back to out short-lived web-based format for it. Take that, Whiny Luddites!)
Unforgivably long link to Mike Lilja’s unforgivably long article on Beer: https://www.sfa-mn.org/
By the way, there are some cool pictures on that webpage.
MINNESOTA GARLIC FESTIVAL
Saturday, August 13th, 2016
10 a.m. to 6 p.m.
McLeod County Fairgrounds, Hutchinson
Rain or shine
Adults: $5.00, Kids 12 and under free
Parking $1.00 (goes to a local scout troop)
Presented by the Crow River Chapter, Sustainable Farming Association
1) An excerpt from Ms. Amundsen’s response: “So, to the point of your letter, I want to say you’re right. Our name, Locally Laid, is totally cheeky and pushes the envelope. And I truly am sorry, we offended you. (I’d offer you one of our American-made “Local Chicks are Better “ t-shirts, but I don’t think you’d wear it.)”
2) One of the Whiney Luddites who insisted that we go back to the “analogue” version of this publication also wrote, “And I like it when you use lots of words because it feels like I’m getting my money’s worth on the subscription cost.” The other Whiny Luddite asked if we could send the Stinky News out via snail mail so that he could read it in the bathroom.
3) A transcript of the conversation with J. Wilton Ford, Festival Director:
Stinky News: “Can you tell us why you’ve changed the times on the Opening Ceremony and serving the Pig Roast?”
Ford: “Whoa! Hey! How about that pig roast thing, you know? Can you believe we got Jorge Guzman this year for that? Dude! Uh, what was the other thing?”
S.N.: “The Opening Ceremony.”
Ford: “Oh, that. Well, you know. The garlic growers didn’t like the time change. Called me an ankle-biter. Gotta have someone to throw out the first bulb, and it should be a garlic grower, right? Did you know we also taste-test the garlic ice cream then, too? And how about those dancing German people!”
S.N.: “Thank you, Director Ford, you’ve been negligibly helpful.”
Ankle-Biter: “Well, I like to be negligent whenever I can!”